[12] Soft Elbows

[12]

But whatever. I mean, I would think I would know if my body got murdered, right? In theory, I mean. I mean, in theory anything is possible, right? I mean, possible and plausible. I mean, for all I know I will suddenly back with my body at any moment. The drugs will wear off and I will be in the 2002 Chrysler Sebring regular colored. Normal colored. Whatever you want to call it. Hauling balls to California with JuJu Beans in the passenger seat. Her head hanging out the window, catching wind. Catching smells. Catching freedom. I mean, right? I mean, in theory a giant dragon could show up and burn the whole motel room down. I mean, at this point not only is anything possible anything is plausible as well. I mean, there is nothing stopping anything from happening at any point for any reason. I mean, right? Whatever. I mean, if I think about anything it is because I am right here, right now thinking it, right? I mean, I am not trying to be all mystical or something, I mean, I haven't had some sort of dumb epiphany, but still, anything is possible. And even plausible if I think about it. I mean, never in all my life did I think I would be dangling like a salty stalagmite in some skanky motel room in Lander fucking Wyoming. Not being able to move. Just hearing shit. Seeing shit. No agency. Nothing. No ability to do anything. I mean, right? I mean, whatever is all I mean. I mean.

What can you do? Nothing. That is what. A lifetime of whatever and it all leads to this? I don't suppose I really deserve this, but who am I to say that? This is nothing different than anything else in my life. Things beyond my own control. Things that just kind of happen for no obvious reason. You know what I mean? I don't think there is anything really to specific to anything that led to to this place. To this reality right now. Nothing anymore than an accident of timing or even, I don't know, bad choices? I mean, I suppose I did everything in my life. That is true. Whether I did those things with any ill-intention is up for debate, I suppose at least. I mean, even the dumb-asses had a choice to do the shit I asked them to do, right? They had agency at the time. I mean, it's not like they were some dangling salty booger hanging around, looking when I offered them a job that they agreed to, right? Am I right? I mean, I am asking you, did I do something so bad, so awful that I deserve whatever fate this is that I am no stuck inside of? I mean, what about you? Have you done nothing wrong in the time on earth you have been here? Do you feel like you should be stuck in a corner of a skanky motel room just waiting for something that you don't even know what you are waiting for? Resigned to watch the Matron fart out orgasms every day? Keeping tabs on who comes and goes from a lousy parking lot? Wondering what the drunken lover, Danny has to do with anything? Wondering where Sniffles is? Or JuJu Beans? Or your own body cruising around in your 2002 Chrysler Sebring normal colored? I mean, I doubt it. I doubt there is anyone that deserves this fate. Yet here we are. And I mean, maybe you don't judge me for this. Maybe you think I got a bad deal or whatever. Or maybe not. Maybe you think I deserve everything I get. I don't know why you would think that, but I wouldn't hold it against you. But still, even that thought, that judgement, I mean, that is something that could land you in the same place that I am currently sitting, right? I mean, if there is nothing specific that brought me here, then what is keeping you from suffering the same fate as me? Nothing. That is all I am saying. You and I are in the same boat. Whether you want to believe that or not. We are. And I will tell you, I mean, I don't feel that sorry for myself, I mean, I kind of don't feel anything at all, but I will tell you, you should maybe rethink your judgement of me. I mean, if you are judging me. If not, I mean, disregard what I just said. But still, I don't think you would want this to happen to you. That is all I am saying.

Yet, so what. What I think doesn't really matter. I mean, not now, not ever. I mean, sure, I did come here of my own volition, but still, that doesn't make me a bad person. I mean, I was helping out a friend, right? I mean, I guess I should have asked more questions. Maybe cared about my well being a little more. But so what? I mean, I didn't expect Sniffles to sneaky drink me. Or roofie me. Or whatever. I was just being a good friend who did what he was asked. And those dumb choices is why I am here now. I think. I guess. I don't really know. But still, if those couple of decisions I made a couple of days ago are really the reason why I am here, now, I mean, so what? You can't fault a guy for answering his phone. Or coming to Lander. Or buying a bottle of gin and a pack of Doral 100s because someone asks you to, right? I mean, if anything I would be a much bigger asshole if I said no to the guy, right? I mean, he did tell me to stop being a pussy about Jelly. I mean, I don't remember his exact words, but still, if anything, I mean, Sniffles is the asshole that should be dangling here, not me. That is what I think. And, I mean, what I think really doesn't matter anymore. Whether it ever mattered, I don't know. But with regards to this, this thing, right now, I mean, nothing I say or think can change anything. And it is not Sniffles dangling here, looking, like a modern day Dan Tucker, I mean, not me. But yet, it is me doing the dangling. That is all I am saying. There is no real justice in the world. That is what I am deciding. If there was, I mean, I would be out there in the world, riding next to JuJu Beans, a duffel bag full of money, heading to California. Living the dream. Retiring at an early age.

I mean, I guess that is really where I went wrong. I should have ditched town years ago. Well, maybe not years, but a year ago, at least. Back when the work started to change. When things started to get more sketchy for no real reason. I mean, shit, I mean, I have had plenty of money to retire on for quite some years now. I mean, the only reason I keep doing these shitty jobs, I mean, I don't do them, but you know what I mean, the only reason I keep taking these jobs is because the money was getting better and better. Not because the jobs were getting harder or the government had instituted a higher wage for trafficking, but because the shit was getting more dangerous and wishy-washy. I mean, I didn't ask for a raise, I just got one. And, I mean, I know I am an asshole for not giving the dumb-asses a raise, but still, they didn't know. And what did they care? The job was the same. So what? Why pay them more for doing the same job? I mean, sure, I should have known something was up when the money got bigger and bigger, but just because I knew something was up doesn't mean that I needed like an expense report from the syndicate that was running things, right? I didn't care. And they didn't care to tell me. I mean, if anything I am a victim of ignorance. But who cares? I don't need to know that details any more than the dumb-asses. They just had a job to do, and the same went for me. Goes for me. I mean, I still don't think it is over. It can't be. This can't be how I end. That is impossible. I mean, the drugs will wear off or whatever and I will be back out there. Eating ice cream sandwiches. Doing whatever. Driving around with JuJu Beans. Going to the park. Playing frisbee at the park. Or whatever. Having a look-see at Hell's Half Acre. Sharing my ice cream sandwich wrappers with the little doggers. I mean, the idea that I just ride my time out on earth in this skanky motel room is too much to even take. It really is impossible. I won't accept it. I refuse to accept it. I mean, I don't think you would accept it either. Not that I know the way that you think, but all things normal, I mean, I would think you would call it bullshit too. Am I right?

I mean, whatever. This is too much of a bummer to keep thinking about. I am going to focus on the tv for a while. Maybe the ancient tv will have a malfunction and burn the motel down to the ground and I will have some clarity about what the future holds.

---------------------

Well, the business couple is back. They stumbled in drunk. Robert is in the bathroom. Gay has shut the curtains and is now naked on the top of the bed. I think they are about to do it. I mean, I know they are about to do it. When they came into the room Robert said:

"We made it. That was a close one."

"We should have taken a cab, Bobby." I guess Gay calls Robert, Bobby, when she is drunk.

"This is Wyoming, babe, there are no cabs."

"You know what I mean."

"Get undressed, I got a burning desire."

"Oh yeah? My little two pump chump is on fire is he?"

"You don't even know." Robert went into the bathroom humming. I can hear him pissing. Gay is kind of playing with her things. Watching the tv. Her knees are up but she looks cold. She is standing up to get under the covers. Pulling them back. Now Robert is out of the bedroom. He is taking off his suit. Looking around for a place to put it so it doesn't get wrinkled. Not Gay is helping him. She is laying the suit on the dresser next to the tv. Robert is now naked. His round belly is at the same angle as his erection. His erection is small but somehow angry. There is a lot of hair. Gay is also very hairy. She is getting back into bed. Robert has stopped her. She is bent over. He is licking her butthole. He just reached up and took something out of his mouth. He went back to licking her butthole. Gay seems to enjoy this. Robert is humping the air as he licks Gays butthole. He is squeezing her butt cheeks into his face. She wants to turn over but Robert won't let her. Now Gay is on her side. Robert is still licking her butt but he is at a weird angle. He is about to fall to the ground. Gay has managed to get onto her back. Her legs are spread. Robert is trying to put his penis inside but Gay is trying to push him down so he will lick her vagina. Robert is resisting. Gay is backing up so he can't get inside. Robert is humping the air now. His butt is really hairy. Robert seems to have gotten the memo. He is licking Gay's vagina. She is holding his head down there. He keeps trying to come up. She won't let him. She is saying, "Lick it, lick it you short dicked prick! Lick it like you mean it!" Robert seems to be licking it. He is also trying to get up but Gay won't let him. "Lick it or else I will yank your balls off, you fat fuck!" Gay now has her legs around Robert. He can't go anywhere. "You lick that pussy until I come, you fucker! Don't you dare stop!" Robert couldn't stop if he wanted to. At least that is how it looks. Gay's perm is now mashed into the pillows. Since she has Robert in a leg maneuver that he can't get out of she is playing with her own nipples. She is really going to town on them. Pinching and pulling. Robert is humping the air. Licking, I suppose. His arms are out to the side. I don't think he can breath. Gays heels are digging into his back. He can't even hump the air anymore. He is just kind half bent over. One leg is pushed against the wall to the bathroom. Now Gay's legs are sticking straight up. She had let go of her nipples and is holding Robert's head down. With both hands. Both his arms are spread out. Pushing against the bed. His one leg pushed against the wall. His other leg is scratching at the carpet. Trying to get traction. Gay is screaming "Now you've done it! You limp-dicked prick! You have really done it! Don't you dare fucking move! Or I'll bite your fucking dick off!" Gay just went soft. I guess she came. Robert is standing up. He looks confused. His dick is limp. He can hardly breath. His face is slippery looking. His is blinking. A lot. Gay is now just laying there. Breathing heavy. Robert has gone back into the bathroom. I can hear him sobbing. Gay can hear him sobbing too. She just got up and turned the tv louder to drown out the noise. She got back into bed. Under the covers. Her perm bending into the pillows. The show is some sitcom. Some nerd just said, "Did I do that?" Gay laughed pretty hard when that happened.

I can still hear Robert sobbing. It sounds like he just turned the shower on. Now I can't hear him sobbing. Just the shower. I heard the shower curtain open and shut. There is some banging around. The shower curtain opening and shutting again. "Fucking hell." Robert just said. Gay is having a great time with the tv show. The covers are up to her chin. She is laughing. Watching. Robert is now done with the shower. Or at least the water is now off. Now there is a commercial. Gay is yelling:

"Bobby! You okay in there?"

"I'm just, yeah, I'm fine! I just."

"Hurry up! The commercial is almost over!"

"Yeah, be there in a second!"

Robert has come out of the bathroom. He looks very sad. He has a towel around his waist. Gay is lying in bed. Looking over. She just said:

"Well, hop into bed! Aren't you tired? The show is about to be back! It's cold!"

"I don't know, Gay."

"Look at you! You're dripping! Hop into bed!"

"But, Gay." Gay opened the covers to let Robert in. He looks confused. Dejected. He does look cold. He dropped the towel. He is getting into bed. Gay has pulled the covers back up. Over the back and shoulders of Robert. Who has dug his face into the pillows. He seems to be sobbing. Still. The commercial is over. The nerd is back. He just said, "Did I do that?" Gay is beside herself. The show is very hilarious to her. It seems. Robert has turned towards the bathroom wall. His eyes are open. He looks very sad. Gay is having a good time. Her feet are sticking up. She keeps moving them side to side. Whenever she laughs. Robert is forcing his eyes closed. He looks like he is trying to will himself to sleep. The tv show is now over. There are commercials. Gay just sat up and looked over at Robert. She looks like she decided he is asleep. She is getting out of bed. On her side. Coming around the bed. She turned the tv off. She went into the bathroom. I can hear her pissing. She farted. She just said, "Whoops." She flushed the toilet. She has come back out into the room. The only light is the bathroom light. She is looking for something. Trying to be quiet about it. She found what she is looking for. She is sneaking back into the bathroom. She has shut the door. She is brushing her teeth now. I can hear her. Now she is washing her face. Or it sounds like that. She left the bathroom. She shut the light off. I can see her sneaking around the side of the bed. She has gotten back in bed. I can kind of see. It is very dark. Robert seems to be laying there like a log. Unmoving. Turned towards the bathroom wall, still. Gay has pulled the covers up and I think is putting her arm around Robert. He still hasn't moved. The room feels awkward. But it is too dark to see what Robert's face looks like. Gay's breathing is slow and methodic. I think she may be asleep. Robert is silent. I don't think he is asleep. Oh, I know he isn't asleep. He is sobbing again. But now he is trying to hide it. His face seems to be shoved into a pillow. I can hear his body heaving under the covers though. He must be very upset. I guess this isn't the usual way their love making goes. I mean, unless I am missing something. Maybe this is exactly how their love making goes and Robert is upset about something entirely different. But I doubt that. I mean, if the way that they acted before leaving the room and the way they acted when they came back, I mean, my guess is that usually Robert does a two pump chump lick the asshole and get what he wants and poor Gay just has to ride it out. I mean, who knows? But Robert seemed pretty upset. Still seems upset. But, who knows? I don't know these guys. What they do. I mean, for all I know this is a usual night for them, right? Gay forces an orgasm out of Robert and then watches tv while Robert sobs in the bathroom? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me. I mean, I guess I would need some more information to decide what really goes on, but as far as I can tell this is normal behavior between these two. I mean, what the hell do I know? I mean, maybe they just have a fucked up relationship? As one-sided as it seems. I mean, Gay does have a perm. And Robert does wear a hat. I mean, both of those things are pretty weird where I come from. You know what I mean? I mean, what the hell do I know? Nothing, that is what. I mean, maybe Robert gets off from Gay basically raping him? I mean, he did go into the bathroom to cry afterwards. Take a shower. But so what? Maybe he was crying for other reasons than what just happened? Maybe he was really into Gay's butthole for sex reasons? Like he was crying in the bathroom because he has spent his life being gay and he just happened to marry a woman or something. I mean, I don't even know if these guys are married. I mean, you know what I mean? There are just too many details, too many variables to understand. Or glean. I mean, maybe Robert was just sad and Gay was too drunk to notice. That is entirely possible. She didn't understand that he was sad and in their normal sex things she just did what was natural to her? I mean, she was kind of abusive in the things that she said, but so what? Everyone has their kinks, it is not like she forced Robert to do what she wanted. I mean, he did seem a little trapped, but he didn't not lick her vagina. I mean, you know what I mean? He could have gotten loose if he wanted. I suppose. I mean, he is much bigger than Gay, Robert is. And the sex did seem to be pretty normal in a sense. I mean, Gay was playing with herself a little bit before they had sex and then she helped Robert with his suit. I mean, I watched it all go down. There was no coercion, if you know what I mean. I mean, whatever. There is nothing I can do about it. I mean, that is all I can say. I mean, maybe I will get some insight in the morning or whatever. But for now, I mean, as far as I can tell both Robert and Gay are asleep. Robert is breathing heavy now. Gay has let out a few toots. How can I tell they are from her, you ask? Because they came from the other side of the bed. I mean, farts come from where they come from. I mean, the crickets are back. And I guess I have a long night ahead of me. But at least I have some breathing and bodies to keep me company. Not that that makes me less lonely. However, it makes me feel less alone. Even if it is a weird business couple with what seems like strange sexual proclivities. I mean, I guess I will just listen to them breath and fart for a while. See what the crickets are up to. Maybe Danny will come around again. Do a secret evening meeting again. I mean, this is more proof that Sniffles won't be back anytime soon. And, I mean, I don't even know about the drugs wearing off because I feel the exact same as I did a couple days ago. I mean, I guess I need to just understand that I don't have shit to do from here on out. I mean, I am not even worried about it anymore. Because, shit, I mean, what else can I do at this point? Not that I had a choice before, but whatever. I mean, the further away I get from waking up dangling from a wall while watching a dog lick my naked heel, I mean, that seems like such a distant memory that I don't even know what to do about it. I mean, I feel stupid for even thinking that something like that had any bearing at all on what I was going to have to deal with in my future. You know what I mean? I doubt that you do, because you don't have to live like this, but if you have any sort of softness in your heart you might. I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you don't, I mean, I don't think I would, I mean, if I was you, I would totally be like, Fuck this asshole, he deserves everything he gets, but if you do, if you have the smallest amount of sympathy, I mean, I would say, this shit is just fucked. And there is nothing to do about it. I mean, those fucking crickets. And now Robert is snoring. And Gay just let out a loud one that made her yelp. She seems upset about it. She shoved Robert. Blaming him. I guess.