[127] Screed City

[127]

04/19/2020 Tuesday. Kitchen Microwave. Ridgewood House. Ridgewood, Queens.

Hot off the presses! Moveable Rooms is out! I mean, we weren't planning on putting it out so soon, but Dishwasher has been back burnered. Plus we got this thing in California in a couple weeks, so it is good to have something new. Just in case: https://whiskeytit.com/product/moveable-rooms/ I mean, just getting some business out of the way. I have a reading in two days so I need to write something that isn't just plugging books, so, there you have it. Now, on with the juice.

I mean, I left Vermont on Sunday. Like noon. I was in quite the rush. For reasons that aren't entirely clear. I mean, I needed to get to the City before the dinner reservation, but even that was kind of no reason to hurry. I suppose it was mostly about committing to leaving. Had I waited any longer I would have stayed another day. In fact, had I known that Professor Curly would cancel the outing on Monday, I would have maybe stayed in Vermont until Tuesday. There were some pressing issues back there. Ticklers to brew. Plants to water. Toilets to clean. When I left on Sunday it was snowing. It snowed all the way to Manch-town. I stopped to get gas and the gas lady was like: "Man, what is this? It doesn't make sense. All the seasons in one day. Vermont, am I right?" I was as incredulous as she was. It was bullshit. I mean, I think it snowed a bunch there last night, too.

The drive down was quick. I parked easy. Took my bag and stuff into the new apartment. Hung out for a few. Did some bonin'. Which was quick and zesty. Then we went to Rolo's for head-on salt and pepper shrimp. Potato bread. Fried duck chunks. Asparagus. These potato log things. Professor Curly got a Negroni mixed drink. I got a pilsner. The food was fantastic like always. I mean, that place has very good food. But it is expensive. Luckily Professor Curly paid for it. I mean, she owed me from last time. Which, I mean, I would have paid for it this time but because she was such a jerk last time I felt it only reasonable that she paid this time. Remember that? When she accused me of drinking half the ticket because I had three beers and she had two glasses of wine? I mean, I told Stefan this story and he very much was on my side of things. I mean, anyone with any sense at all would be on my side. Typical wine-swilling elite liberal thinking their drinks don't cost shit because they are too entitled to actually read the prices on the menu, like being rich gives you cart blanche to be a dick about it. I mean, whatever. I can make my own booze now. I don't need no jerks telling me what or what not my beers cost me because I am Tickler-neutral at this point. I mean! On Saturday I brought the Ticklers to the Compound for dinner. I told you this, yes? And Scott put the stuff in the bubbling machine and the things were fantastic? I mean, I make a clean and delicious Tickler. I think I will bring some to the reading on Thursday. Let the world get a taste of my juicy clean Tickler. I just need to remember to get some limes.

After dinner we went straight back to the apartment. It was Easter so we tried to get a Cadbury egg on the way. There was nothing doing though. Instead there was some frozen yogurt eaten while walking in 30 degree weather. Then we hit the sack. Professor Curly got up early to do some movie work. I slept until around 8a. Hung around for a while. Drinking coffee and stuff. Then Professor Curly had to go get a covid test for work and I did more of the same. Then she brought back a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel. Which really hit the spot. After breakfast I took a shower and went out on the town to look for some jugs and a parking garage. Professor Curly is shooting a movie in a couple weeks and I think the plan is for her to drive to set. Which is all fine and all, except that I think that the days will probably be very long days. Like up and about before sunrise and back right about midnight for 16 days straight. Which, I mean, long days are one thing, but looking for parking after working a 16 hour day? No thank you. It makes me ill just thinking about it. So, I mean, hopefully we can find something around here. A place to park. I mean, there was one place that I couldn't find. But hold on, I am getting ahead of myself.

I went to check on Junior Mint because my parking job seemed too easy when I got in. I mean, it was Sunday. I mean, I was very right. I had parked in a "No Standing" spot. I was very lucky that the car didn't get towed. And! There was no ticket either. I mean, I got in the car and drove around for a while. Found some parking. Which was easy. But as I was driving around I saw a bunch of spaces that were empty because the street cleaning was from 11a to 1230p on Mondays. I mean, I parked in a Thursday spot. But then I thought about that. Moving the car on Thursday morning would be a nightmare. I left the car where it was and went looking for the parking garage. Thinking I would come back for it when I was done. I could move it to a Monday spot at that point. Which would solve all of my problems. I mean, as somebody that is anti-car and very much anti-car in the City, I mean, I understand how things change and all. And how I am now a hypocrite by my own metrics, but still. You can only slide sideways into middle class once in your life. After that you just become middle class. And I am not there yet. I mean, did I tell you I spent all of my "Iron Your Money" cash? All of it, gone. My life savings, wiped out! If that doesn't tell you something about how things are returning to normal, I don't know what else would.

I stopped at the Walgreen's after I couldn't find the parking garage. I think what the "Parking Garage" was, was just a grocery store parking lot. One that you could park in over night if you got there in time before they closed and locked the gates. Which, now that I think about it, the reviews on the computer kind of told me that. One said: "Make sure that you don't park in a place that people crash shopping carts into your car." I mean, I think there is a possibility it was a parody parking garage. Or satire at the very least. I mean, I stopped in the Walgreens to get a razor and some shaving cream. My sideburns did not go over very well with Professor Curly. I mean, in her defense they were quite terrible. I thought I was going for a Charles Dickens sort of thing. But according to her I just looked like a seafaring New England type that was old before his time. I mean, it is true. The sideburns made me look about ten years older. And, as I am now very aware, I only have about six good years left before I become the old man with a soft body and gnarly teeth cranky demeanor that I have waiting for me deep down in my soul. So I should not tempt fate. Apparently. I mean, I won't lie. When I was out on the town with my sideburns nobody thought I was a hip cool dude on the scene. They treated me as such. Which, I mean, if I think back to it, that girl at the Rite Aid in Middlebury, the one that told me about how I could just drink the water when I was looking at those jugs, I mean, I had those sideburns then, too. I mean, after I shaved. It was a world of difference. A brand new hunk on the scene. Hot chicks handing me their numbers as I walked down the street. Getting cat-called every time I dropped something and had to pick it up. I mean, the Amazon delivery driver that I walked by said she just called 911 because in her words "You are on fire, boi!" I mean, it just goes to show you that sometimes sideburns are not the answer to your problems.

I mean, I bought the razor and the shaving cream and a $.99 cent toothbrush. I wanted to buy toothpaste but it was under lock and key for some reason. Which, whatever. My whole life people are always thinking I am stealing stuff, so it is kind of nice to see everyone else getting accused of the same shit. I mean, fuck you too, Society. I mean, I don't think I have ever stolen anything without being absolutely desperate. Which sucks as it is. But so what, I mean, the age old question about when stealing is okay doesn't take into account the disparity of what life actually is. I mean, the only people that steal things because they want to steal things always, and I mean always, come from money. Because it is a game to them. Tark, I am looking at you. But stealing toothpaste from Walgreen's? Toilet paper from bathrooms? Jumping turnstiles? I mean, once again I reiterate:

ABOLISH TURNSTILES

I mean, I don't like that people seem to just be stealing shit, but so what? If you are so worried about maybe just don't let people into your stores? Do one of those turn-table lazy Susan things with the bullet proof windows that delis do if you are so worried about it. The way they sell liquor in the poor parts of town. I mean, that is bullshit too, but businesses can do what they want to do. I mean, it sucks that poor people are treated like criminals just for being poor, but if you are so worried about it, I mean, what's stopping you? I mean, I know what is stopping them, they don't want to seem like assholes. But I got news for them, they already are. They already do. Locking up toothpaste is not going to solve that issue. And I think it is very nice for the rest of Society to get a taste of what it is like to be poor, so, I mean, maybe I am not against them locking up the toothpaste. Because the sooner we ALL understand how much we are being robbed by these fucking corporations that think of us, all of us, like lower class criminals that are too lazy to pull ourselves up by our boot-straps because for some reason they refuse to pay a living wage but at the same time expect us to cover the cost of their own price gouging. I mean, fuck them. Fuck capitalism. And fuck Society. If I can't afford toothpaste that is not on me. A car and a house and a college education, I mean, that might be a different story, but toothpaste? Basic needs? Walgreen's can get fucked.

I mean, I understand that my argument kind of disintegrates pretty quickly because I was shopping in the "Poor" part of town. And the "Society" that I am speaking of doesn't live there. But still, "Regular" people, meaning, not "Poor" people shop at a Walgreen's more likely than the other places you would get toothpaste. I mean, I think it is kind of rare for people to be buying toothpaste at a deli. I mean, I don't. But that doesn't tell you anything.

But I digress! I bought the razor and the shaving cream and the $.99 cent toothbrush. Also, I bought four Cadbury eggs for Professor Curly. Half-price day after Easter candy sale. I mean, the razor and the shaving cream were way more expensive than the toothpaste. I mean, there is no logic to it. There was no lock and key for those things. I mean, some of the razors, yes, but not the ones I bought. And not only that, but on accident I stole an onion from the grocery store a little while later in the day because I ran out of arm space when I was shopping and I put the thing in my pocket for later, but I forgot it was there. And then on my way home I realized and I stopped in my tracks, as the bridesmaids say. I didn't go back to pay for it though. I should have, but I knew they had overcharged me for the cheese I bought, so it seemed equal in the end. But I digress!

The woman at the counter switched from speaking Spanish to the person in front of me to English when I walked up. Which, I mean, this is why I love Brooklyn. I mean, sure, there was no way that she knew that I only spoke English, but so what? I only speak English. I know some Norse and some German, but I don't speak Spanish. And, at that moment I still had the sideburns on. I mean, I looked like I might as well have been buying maple syrup tubing or something. Or mortar for the stone wall I was building. I mean, if anyone was a middle-aged straight white American man, that was me. I mean, she asked me if I needed a bag. I said I didn't. I put all the things in my jacket pockets and left the store. I walked back to Junior Mint. Got in. Drove over to the Monday parking spots. Parked well. As close to the corner as possible. So anyone else that needed to park in front of me would have enough room. And hopefully they would park close to my car in a way that the person parking in front of them would have enough room. Et cetera, et al. I mean, I think I did a good job. I had a few minutes to spare. It was only 12:24p. I was worried a cop would come by and give me a ticket at the last minute. But then I looked around. Nobody else was worried about that, so I left. I mean, what can you do? At some point parking in the City is just a numbers game. You will get caught. You will have to pay a fine. The City makes money that way. And for good reason. There is no reason to own a car in the City. There just isn't. I mean, some people need them for work, kind of. Contractors do. But the rest of us? I mean, I am a contractor, but not in the City. I mean, Professor Curly needs her car for a movie shoot, but that is not normal. I mean, what do you need a car for? Not for grocery shopping. Or getting to work. Or, I mean, what? Getting to the beach? Your house in the Catskills? I mean, America is a weird-ass place this way. All this money spent on things that nobody needs and you have to get a employee to come open a thing to get toothpaste? I mean, I say, just steal everything. At some point this shit needs to stop. An economy based on ownership is bullshit. It just doesn't work. Either we regulate housing so people can afford to live where they work or we regulate working so people can afford go to work. I mean, it is pretty fucking simple.

I mean, what the hell! I thought we were getting back to the laughs? I went back to the apartment. My pockets filled with things. I greeted Professor Curly with the Cadbury eggs. She was very excited. Then I shaved my sideburns. In five minutes I went from being an elderly New England gentleman to being a cool dude on the scene. Professor Curly's mood about me changed quite a bit. I mean, it reminded me of a poem I wrote all those years ago. It goes like this:

Sit on the mattress.

Sit on the couch,

Can't say much,

With a dick in your mouth.

I mean, I am just sayin'. You mess around long enough you might end up with a triple-double.

I mean, that poem, ten years ago I told that poem at the same place I am going to do a reading on Friday. And when I told it there was this Norwegian guy, Pal Asle Peterson, well, he took a giant kielbasa and smacked me on the side of the head with it. Dianne Madden and Marit Sandsmark were on stage with me as well. The sausage broke my ear drum. I mean, I sat there dumbfounded. No hearing in my left ear. I had to finish the performance. All the while trying to process the fact that I was now deaf in my left ear. And it was hard. And I did a great job. And my ear drum grew back stronger than before after that. I mean, say what you will, but there is such a thing as instant karma as the bridesmaids say. But that is the thing about karma. It doesn't last as long as it should. Such is life.