[13] Soft Elbows

[13]

You know, you just dangle around all day, hoping to get some sort of clarity, some sort of understanding, or I don't even know what, struggling, waiting, thinking something will come around, something that makes the tiniest bit of sense and what do you end up getting, after all your toil and heart break? Nothing. That is what. You get nothing. Nothing but a middle aged business couple snoring and farting and some dumb old crickets playing their idiotic mating violins. I mean, it is enough to make you puke. Not that you can puke. All you can do is look, like some bone-brained Dan Tucker, with only your eyeballs and earballs to keep you company. I mean, when I say that life is unfair, I mean, life is unfair. For me, for you, for everyone we know. I mean, what is this shit? Who am I? Who are you? Who is anyone, really? I mean, remember being young? Like, really young? When you didn't think about anything, when you would just have whatever thing was coming your way and leave it all alone the second something came along? When life was unfair because your brother got a bigger piece of cake or whatever? Shoes with nicer laces? And you could just feel sorry for yourself for a while and that would be that. You would move on like nothing ever happened? Or you would just put your disappointment in some hole that you were digging in your mind, for later, or for never, but that hole never got filled up with anger or hatred, it just sat there, waiting for more. No hurt feelings. No broken hearts. You go to sleep in the night. You wake up in the morning. Nothing changed, but everything changing. All the time. Growing. Exciting even. Maybe even scary. Because something in you knew that one day you too would grow up. Change. Become something of your own? And then one day you lost it. All of it. And it wasn't abrupt, it was just gone. Like you didn't even notice it left you because you had moved on without even thinking about what it was that you were leaving behind? And now, with all your freedoms, all your own agency, you can't even remember what it felt like to be that free or whatever, maybe freedom is the wrong word. I mean, you would just walk down the road, no thoughts but the thoughts you thought were so very clever and unique, but were probably as stupid as the thoughts you have now, just that you didn't have an frame of reference, so you thought your thoughts were just profound. And they came easy. These thoughts. And you always thought they would be there. Because nothing was stopping them. Nothing was getting in the way of them. And then one day, one day out of nowhere, you find yourself dangling in a corner like some greasy dried out booger in some skanky motel in Lander fucking Wyoming of all places. I mean, when I say life is unfair. I mean it. I mean, I don't mean it is specifically unfair for me, I just mean it is unfair and there is nothing to do about it. I mean, so what? Yeah, big whoop. Life is a pain in the ass, but that is not what I mean, what I am talking about. I mean, I don't even know what I mean. I mean, I guess I am talking about miss opportunities or something. But that is stupid. That is not really what I am talking about, I mean, there is something else. Something deeper down there that just comes and leaves without your permission or knowlege anyway, and by the time it is gone you are too far gone yourself to even think about how to maybe get it back. And, I don't even know. I mean, I am a little freaked out, is what I am saying. I don't think these drugs are going to wear off. I don't think Sniffles is coming back. I don't think I will see myself drive up in my 2002 Chysler Sebring normal colored anytime soon. With JuJu Beans hanging out in the passenger seat. Smiling like a dog smiles. A little bit of ice cream sandwich stuck to her nose. Panting or whatever. I mean, I don't even know what I mean. I think something changed in my life that is, I mean, I guess, a new reality that I need to come to terms with. I mean, it's not funny what has happened to me. I mean, it is tragic, but it isn't funny. But I guess, so what? I mean, maybe it is something new in like a good way? Why not? Things change all the time without you noticing. I mean, I guess that is what I am trying to say! That one day you are like a kid or something, then you are an adult or something, and then you do stuff for a while and then one day you end up dangling from a corner watching a business couple sleep. Or, more like, listen to a business couple sleep. After watching them have some really problematic sex. Followed by a cricket seranade. I mean, I wonder. I really do wonder what the morning is going to be like. For the couple, at least. The business couple. Sleeping. As far as I could tell they were quite drunk when they showed up. I mean, I don't know if they are staying in this room another day, maybe they did what they needed to do and are going to be moving on? Like they went out to some business dinner or something? I mean, the guy, Robert, he only has the one suit. And I didn't see Gay unpacking another dress. If you can call what she was wearing a dress. I mean, it was more like a baseball uniform or whatever. The material. They had underwear and stuff. I saw Gay put that stuff away in the drawers. Which, I mean, if it was guy that did that, I would think they planned on staying a few days, but a gal, a gal would just do that because that is what gals do. I mean, in my experience. But what the fuck do I know? My relationships in this world have lasted a few weeks, tops. But if I know myself, if I went into a motel room and I was planning on staying just one night, there is no way in hell that I would put anything in the dresser. I mean, should we talk some more about bed bugs and scabies? I mean, especially in a dump like this dump. But still, people do all sorts of weird shit that baffles me. I mean, especially women. I mean, no offense to any women out there, but, I mean, the things in the suitcase are already in the suitcase. They don't need to move into the motel room. They are not guests themselves. I mean, whatever. What the hell do I know. I don't even make my bed in the morning. Which, I mean, at this point, I would love nothing more than to go home and make my bed. Then stand there looking at it with a double ice cream sandwich. Smiling. Then, a few minutes later, get into it. Do some sleeping and then get up and do it again. I mean, I don't have that luxury anymore. I wish I did, but I don't. I mean, whatever. I don't even know what I am talking about anymore. I think I will just sit here for a while and try and forget about everything.

Gay just got up to go to the bathroom. I don't think she is doing so good because I think she is puking. It sounds like couphing, but I think it is puking. She keeps flushing the toilet. Now she is running the sink. I can hear splashing. She flushed the toilet again. Now she is getting back in bed. Now Robert is getting up. He is in the bathroom. Just pissing. He flushed the toilet. Now he is getting back in bed. He just asked Gay if she is alright. She said yes. He said, Okay. Get some sleep. They seem to be sleeping again. Their breaths are shallow and constant. The crickets are back. There was a brief moment when it was mostly silence. But now the crickets.

I mean, I guess I never understood couples. Being a couple or whatever. It seems like so much work. Not much payoff. But what do I know? I mean, I don't think I ever tried. I mean, I had a girlfriend or two in my day. My day. Whatever that means. I mean, there were a couple times when I would find an extra toothbrush in my bathroom. I mean, if you know what I mean. But it never lasted. I mean, I was always a little confused when it ended. Just because I never saw it coming. But then, I never put any real effort into the things. Not because I didn't want to, I just didn't, I mean, I guess I am just a solitary guy or something. I mean, I was always confused when I was sat down. Things seeming really serious. Then, I mean, it happened twice, okay. I mean, I am not saying this is some sort of thing that happened all the time. I mean, I would come home from doing whatever, twice. And the girlfriend, I guess, both times, said, and I mean this. Both times, it was exactly the same. Kind of out of nowhere, I suppose, not that I didn't see it coming, I was just confused because it seemed so serious. I mean. They said:

"Cioche, sit down, we need to talk." And both times I had just gotten back from a long run that I would learn later to just pay dumb-asses to do. But whatever. I would be very tired and not in any sort of mood and suddenly I had to sit down because, I don't know, we needed to talk.

"S'up?"

"You know, you are a nice enough guy, I just don't see us going anywhere."

"Okay."

"What do you mean, okay?"

"I mean, I'm tired, that drive if fucking long as shit and boring as hell, I don't know what to say. If you think it isn't working, it isn't working."

"Don't you think we should talk about it?"

"It seems like you have made up your mind."

"Yeah, well, I have, but still. Don't you want to know why?"

"I know why."

"And?"

"It's not working out and you want something different."

"Well, yeah, but still! Don't you think, I mean, doesn't that bother you in any way?"

"I mean, it sucks. But what can you do?"

"Well, you could at least give two shits, that would be a start!"

"Are you breaking up with me or asking me to change?"

"Well, I mean, I don't fucking know! If you put it that way, I don't know."

"Then you don't want to break up? I'm confused."

"Well, I don't, but I do, you know what I mean?"

"I have no idea what you mean."

"Well, catch a clue one day!"

"I don't know how I am the bad guy here. You are the one breaking up with me, right?"

"Yeah, but still! You should at least feel bad about it!"

"I do. I don't like it. I am tired though, so."

"Sew buttons! You really are, you make me so infuriated!"

"Wha'd I do?"

"You don't do shit, that is what!"

"Okay then. Are we breaking up or not?"

"Fuck you, man! I don't need this shit. I don't even know why I even bother."

"Bother what? You are breaking up with me. Do you want me to pack your bags or something? What am I missing here?"

"You're a, you're a hopeless, I don't even know what! I hope you have a good life!"

"Yeah, okay."

"That is all you have to say?"

"What am I supposed to say? Tell me!"

"Don't you love me?"

"We have been together like three weeks. I barely love my parents and I have known them my entire life."

"You got a heart like a radish, Cioche. A fucking dried up, salty radish. You just dangle there all emotionless like a booger on a wall!"

"I really don't know what I did wrong here. I thought you were leaving."

"Oh, I am leaving! And I am taking my pillow with me!"

"What pillow?"

"That one you are sitting on!"

I looked down. Sure as shit I was sitting on a pillow. It had a butterfly on it. I don't remember ever seeing it before. I handed it to them. I mean, I shit you not, both of these break-ups were the exact same. Pillow included. And then they both stormed off. Carrying a rolling suitcase and the pillow out the door. Slamming it. The door, that is, behind themselves. And that was that. I mean, I still don't know what I did wrong. I mean, I understand that I was a bad boyfriend. Gone for days on end. Never calling. Never taking them out to dinner or whatever. Never anything, really. I mean, in my defense the relationships were both only weeks old. And both times we had met at this bar down the street. But whatever. I mean, neither time did they need to be so dramatic and neither time did I really do anything wrong aside from not really caring. I mean, I did care. Kind of. I mean, it was nice to have someone to come home to. But so what? It was like three weeks. I mean, who brings a pillow to someone's apartment after three weeks? A toothbrush I can understand, you need a toothbrush. But a butterfly pillow? I mean, if anything, instead of rethinking my position on being a bad boyfriend it just made me self-conscious about my pillows. I mean, after the second break-up I went out and bought two butterfly pillows to have around just in case. I mean, right? I guess that is what makes relationships work. Pillows. Or something. I mean, that was quite a while ago. And strangly neither of them ever got back in touch with me after we broke up. Which, I would have at least expected some sort of weird post break-up sex or something. Like maybe I would see them at the bar again. But nothing doing. I mean, I feel like I am coming across like a heartless jerk, but still, it's not like I didn't like them. It is just that things were pretty complicated and I didn't have the energy to put into a relationship when it was happening. I mean, I guess I should apologize to them, if I think about it, for not being forthright about how busy I was, but still, it was three weeks! Both times. I mean, and also, who gets mad at you for not caring when it is you that is breaking up with them? That is what really confused me. I mean, they weren't pissed that we were breaking up, they were pissed that I didn't care. I mean, to me that seems pretty unfair. I mean, I suppose I could have faked it. But so what? I was exhausted. That drive back from Greeley is like four hours. I mean, if I remember right I just wanted to drink some gin and smoke some Doral 100s and pass out. Maybe get frisky if they were in the mood about it. I mean, as a boyfriend, sure I was wanting, but I am a very simple guy, with very simple tastes. I mean, I wonder if they would feel the same if they knew how much money I have acrued since then? I mean, no offense to women, but I do have a lot of money now. I mean, I used to. Back when I could get around. Now, who knows. Maybe Sniffles is counting my piles in his mom's basement or something. Keeping an ear out for cops. Wondering when they will find my body. Wondering if he should wait until dawn before getting on the road or just go now. Which I would do. You can count the money on the road. You can't count it in a jail cell. I mean, I don't want to talk about that. I mean, that is what fucked me up last night. I don't want to get fucked up tonight. I just want to wait until dawn and have a look-see about what these business weirdos are up to. I mean, if I can't have any real agency, I would prefer to not give myself any unnecessary grief. If you know what I mean?

These fucking crickets. I wonder what they really think. Do they really think that standing around playing their violins is going to do anything? I mean, if their sounds tell me anything, they don't do shit. Nobody comes. They just play and play, all night. Humping into the wind like Robert did when Gay was doing her leg-lock pussy manuever on him. I mean, I would think they would want to go out there. Try a little. See what happens. I mean, just standing there playing? That seems so bizarre to me. Why not go out there? See if you can find some action. Right? Instead they just stand there. Sit there. Chirp-chirp-chirp. Like idiots. I mean, I really wish there was a mouse around to come eat them up. I mean, at least a mouse scurries. Tries. Tries to get some food or whatever. I mean, they must hump. Because the don't seem like they are in short supply. But still. They don't seem to be going around eating the crickets. Who, as far as I can tell, just blast out their location for anyone to come get them. Right? Am I wrong? Don't the crickets just announce where they are to all the predators? I mean, maybe they do and they get eaten up, but there is like millions of them. Replacing the dead ones? I mean, right? I don't fucking know. All I know is that they just sit there, stand there, playing their idiotic fiddles. All night. Every night. Like they got nothing else to do but get together and hump. I mean, when do they eat? I mean, you don't really see them going around during the day, not really. I mean, I guess you do, but still. Don't they get exhausted by playing their stupid tunes all night? How do they have the energy to forage for food in the daytime? I mean, or maybe they just carry around snacks with them. Play their tunes. Take a bite of food. Keep playing. I mean, what was that novel? The good one. Where the people just danced all night until they dropped dead or something. I mean, maybe they didn't drop dead. Maybe I made that up. But that is what these idiots seem like to me. People doing something really stupid for very little payoff in the end. Or not. I mean, maybe they actually hump and once the humping is over they can go retire in some sort of field or somthing. Eating all day. Catching some sun or whatever. I mean, maybe it is just the young ones that do all the noise and the old ones are just like me. Annoyed with them, thinking they are idiots. But still, maybe there is something to it? I mean, whatever. I did have that thought earlier. About being young and not knowing what it means when you are young and then everything changes. I mean, I won't lie, maybe I am thinking about this all wrong. The crickets, I mean. Maybe they have a good idea brewing. It is just that it is annoying from the outside. I mean, they are loud and persitent, but so what. I mean, aside from the mice coming around to eat them, they do seem to have control over the night sounds. And the mice seem to spend thier time timid and scared. I mean, maybe the crickets are just bold? And, I mean, I can respect that. I just wish I could see it. I mean, all I can do is listen. And even if I could go check them out, I wouldn't. I mean, much like the break-ups I was talking about earlier, I am just not that curious when it comes to some shit. I mean, I am curious now, but that is only because I am dangling here like a salty booger in this motel room, listening to the business couple sleep and the crickets play their stupid fiddles. I mean, if I had my druthers I would be eating a ice cream sandwich and none of this would have ever happened. You know what I mean?

Well, I don't know what happened but it seems like I spaced out there for a while. I mean, it is almost dawn and the business couple is getting up. I won't lie, I really just dangled here looking without a single thought in my mind for who the hell knows how long. I mean, I am either getting good at doing nothing, or I am fading away into the abyss. I mean, I won't lie, either way is fine by me. I mean, I am a little scared of just becoming nothing, but as far as shit is concerned, I don't see anything very pressing in my near future. I mean, whatever. I don't mean to be bleak. But still, if I can just space out into infinity, I mean, whatever. I had my chance. I didn't do so good, but I did have it. Either way, Robert is getting up. I can see him because the sun is coming up. There is light in the room. Through the curtains. The room is very depressing. Robert looks exhausted and sad. Slowly putting his socks on. His belly pushing against his thighs. Making grunting noises. Now Gay is up. Going to the bathroom. She moved really slow. Touching the dresser as she walked by it. I don't think she is doing so hot. I can here unfortunate sounds coming from the bathroom. I don't think she will be out for a while. Robert is trying to ignore the sounds. From the look on his face. He grimaced and then blinked a few times. He stood up and went to the dresser. He is putting on underwear. Now he is putting his suit pants on. From where Gay laid it out for him. On top of the dresser. He is putting on a clean t-shirt. White. He opened the curtains. He walked over to the door. He opened it. The light is coming in. It is making everything very greasy. It must smell in the room. Poor Gay has diahrea. She started the shower. Robert is putting a button up shirt on. Now a tie. He is tucking the shirt in. Adjusting the tie. He put the suit jacket on. Now his hat. He looks sad. He left the room. I can see him standing next to the 2002 Chrysler Sebring normal colored. I mean, that is crazy that they have the same car as me. I mean, shit. I am, no, that is fucked up. That is my car! That is my fucking car! I can tell by the plates! How the fuck do they have my car! What the fuck? Okay! That is fucked up. What the fucking hell! Okay, okay, okay. Calm down. I mean, what the actual fuck? I mean, hold on, the Matron is talking to Robert. She is wearing the same bologna colored track suit from yesterday. I can't hear them! What the fuck are they saying! Robert is just nodding. The Matron is pointing to the hills. And now here is Danny! He doesn't look drunk. Or hungover even. He looks like a different guy now. What the fuck are they saying? Fucking Gay! Turn off the shower! My god! The duffel bag! Danny just left and came back with the Lander Valley Tigers duffel bag the Sniffles had! Robert is putting in the back of the car. He just shook both of their hands. The Matron is smiling. Danny just rubbed his chin. Robert is adjusting his hat. The Matron and Danny just walked away. Robert is checking his wrist. But he has no watch. He just squinched his face. He is coming back into the room. He is banging on the bathroom door:

"Gay! Haul ass!"

"One sec!"

Robert is packing things away. He left a pair of panties and some socks out for Gay. He laid her baseball suit of a dress out on the bed. He is wafting the door into the room to get the smells out. It doesn't seem to be working. He is now using his hat to waft air. Gay is done with the shower. She is running the sink. It sounds like she is brushing her teeth. There is clanking on the side of the sink now. She is done brushing her teeth. Now she is coming out. Robert is shutting the door. Gay is saying, Sorry. Robert is just frowning. Gay dropped her towel to the floor. She is bright red. The shower must have been hot. She is bending over the bed to get the dress. Robert just reached into her butt cheeks. She said:

"Careful there, buddy, you might get a surprise." Robert pulled his hand away fast. I guess he doesn't want to be shit on. Gay is pulling on her underwear. She sat down on the bed. She is pulling her socks on. Her perm is dry. She didn't get her head wet. She looks the same as last night. She put her shoes on. She went back into the bathroom. She came back out with bathroom stuff. Robert stopped her. Took his toothbrush out of the bag. The toothpaste. He is brushing his teeth. There is clanking noises. He is back. Gay is finishing the packing. Robert put the toothbrush and toothpaste into the little bag. Gay put it into the suitcase. They are looking around. Gay said:

"Missing anything?"

"Not that I see."

"Ready?"

"Ready as ever, I suppose."

"Okay."

They walked out the door. Closing it behind them. I can see the get into my car. My fucking car! Robert put the suitcase in the back seat. Next to the Lander Valley Tigers duffel bag I suppose. Gay put her thing in the back seat too. On the other side of the Lander Valley Tigers duffel bag, I suppose. They got into the front seat of my car. My fucking car! Robert is backing up. Turning around. They are driving out of the parking lot. And there they fucking go. What the fucking hell! What kind of bullshit is that? What fucking total bullshit is that! I mean, stop them! Can't somebody stop them? I mean, what the fuck? I mean, I am blown away. I mean, I guess, I mean, I don't even know what I mean. I mean, I, I mean, I, I mean, I don't even know what to do. I just keep looking out at the parking lot and the towel on the floor that Gay left behind. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I mean, you know what I mean? I mean, I, shock! This is just shocking! They can't! They just can't! This is not right! Somebody call the cops or something! You can't let them get away! Listen to me! Won't somebody listen! This fucking, I, travesty! What the? What the fucking, won't! I, somebody please! I got the, I can't the, I, I! There is just! My god!