[140] Screed City

[140]

05/17/2022 Tuesday. Kitchen Microwave. Beaver Haus. Lower Granville, Vermont.

Democracy strikes again! I mean, technically this is politics, but it is local shit, so it doesn't count. Motion to proceed? Second. All in favor? Aye! The motion passes. Proceed Mr. Truman:

The annual town meeting was tonight. And boy was it a doozy. The Sargeants tried to unseat Bruce as the Town Clerk, I think. They even brought in some voters that immediately ditched when they got their clocks cleaned. I mean, there was even some stump speeches that were given. The guy running against Bruce bragged about how he was a 6th generation Granville resident. Bruce's response was that the Sargeants were up to no good. The vote was 37 to 13 in favor of Bruce. This is how the thing started. I mean, it was barely 10 minutes in before there was chaos. The room was full of the people. The doors were all closed. The windows shut. I brought my mask just in case. I was glad about that in the end. There was a guy there with a camera. Filming the whole thing. It was pouring rain the whole time. There was even a gavel.

The star of the night though was Judy. A cigarette on legs. I don't think her hand went down the entire 2 and 1/2 hours that the meeting was in session. She had quite a few grievances to air out. I mean, the woman is a menace to this town. She introduced two of the things we were voting on. Both of them were merely personal slights, or perceived personal slights to her. Personally. The first one was the Constable. She was trying to get the Constable fired because he stopped returning her phone calls. Which was kind of funny because all the people on her side are basically MAGA douches who were effectively in favor of Defunding the Police. I mean, there was a radical MAGA douche, by that I mean, an actual Conservative that got up and said as much. That voting for this measure was a vote to Defund the Police. It was kind of great. I mean, I wanted to get up and say that myself, but being in the majority I didn't think I needed to. Either way her grievance got voted down by the same margins that Bruce remained in his seat. After that a bunch more of the ringers left the meeting.

After that we took a break to air out the tension or something. I mean, literally. Somebody opened the back door. And the front door. To let some air in. I went outside to take off my mask and not be inside. I had a nice conversation about schools with a very nice woman that lives in town. I mean, the thing was nice. To meet new neighbors.

The next big drama was when they brought up spending some money on rebuilding Buffalo Farm Road. Which is the road I live on. Back during Irene the thing slid down into the river and they closed the road down because it was too expensive to rebuild. Bruce was thinking that we should spend $100,000 dollars to get it up and running again. Maybe pay that out every couple years or whatever. Nobody, and I mean nobody agreed with him. This one guy got up and gave an impassioned 10 minute speech against it. Then a bunch of other Buffalo Farm Road dudes and dudettes got up and did the same. It was just a huge waste of money. They said. We all agreed. The motion got struck down.

The next big drama was allowing people to sell weed in town. Which was cool. Some weed farmer guy with a HUGE voice bellowed out his support for this measure. He was just a farmer. He didn't have dread locks or something. He just grew weed and wanted to be able to sell it. Which, he argued, would bring tax revenue to the town. He convinced everyone. So that motion passed. You can now sell weed in Granville. I mean, it gave me some ideas. But I don't know if I will be starting a weed emporium, just yet. I mean, D's Doghouse is just sitting there empty. A cash-cow with walls and a full kitchen. Just sayin'.

The last big drama was kind of the best drama because it involves the main grievance of Judy. The cigarette on legs. Remember the Busy Body Society? Which, it turns out I am still a member of. I mean, it is even in the town papers. Me and this other woman Diane. A two member team. I don't think we can actually do anything, but I don't know, maybe we will get the band back together and get this running race off the ground. I am thinking. Anyway, the whole reason that I was even put on the committee, which it turns out is a three year term, was because Judy was trying to not allow a cell tower to go up because of vistas. She spent a good year or more trying to pass this ordinance that failed because she resigned from the committee which then led to two other people resigning leaving just me and Diane on the committee and I think I am the ChairPerson. By default. I mean, Judy put this motion up for vote during today's meeting thinking she could just slip it in, under the radar. I mean, I am still confused about it. I was confused about it before and since then nothing has changed. I don't know what it means and I don't think I ever will. I mean, I won't lie, I voted for it when the vote happened. But it was a vocal vote. And the neighs were louder than the ayes. Which meant that we had to do a show of hands. And when I thought we wanted it to go through I just went with it. But when it was a raise your hand vote, I looked over and Judy and saw what she wanted and she wanted it to pass so I voted the opposite. I mean, I suppose someone should have asked me why I changed my vote because people must have heard me, but no one did. I mean, I would have said "Oh, I actually don't understand this thing, I just know that Judy is in favor of it, and I know she is up to no good about it. So whatever her vote is, I vote the opposite." I mean, now that I think about it, I remember her taking me aside after the Busy Body Society meeting once and trying to get me to read the exact thing we voted on tonight. I had told her I would. But I did not. I mean, vistas aside, I can't use my fucking phone anywhere in the valley aside from inside my own. So yes, I am in favor of a cell tower. I mean, put some fake branches on it. I like those things the try to pretend to be trees. It is like some sort of modern art piece. Like, nobody is fooled, but at least they are trying. And isn't that the nature of things like paint and architecture? To build something that needs building, but make it kind of look okay? I mean, Vermont is pretty good about this stuff. The second you cross state lines into New York or New Hampshire you want to puke. Because those assholes don't do shit about making things look nice. I mean, when we did the vote, holding hands up. Judy said, and I quote:

"This is bullshit! I know I heard more ayes than this. Fuck this!" Then she stormed out. I mean, I have been in quite a few meetings with Judy. At least four. And she has stormed out every single time. Like I said, the woman is a menace. I mean, I kind of feel bad for her. She seems to care so much about perceived slights. He entire life is just one grievance to the next. The world is out to get her. I mean, whatever. I don't feel that bad. I mean, who gets the one cop in town defunded just because he doesn't want to deal with her nonsense anymore? I mean, I can't imagine the time suck she must be. From "Suspicious People" to I don't know "Illegal Hedges" to "Aggressive Migrating Geese." I mean, who the hell knows what kind of stuff she calls the guy about. I mean, he makes $660 dollars a month doing this job. And the job is mostly just getting people to slow down in town. Maybe dealing with jerks shooting guns where they shouldn't shoot guns. Maybe a dead dog or two. I mean, the job seems basically thankless. And had we taken his powers of enforcement away, we would have removed his ability to do anything. Which, I mean, that would mean we are paying him to do even less. Which seemed a little antithetical to what Judy was suggesting. I mean, who knows what service he actually provides to the community, but nobody else is going to do it. And it does seem like it needs to be done. Whatever that is.

The Constable though. That guy. I think his day job is being a police officer in some other town. He wore his uniform to the meeting. He is a portly, round kind of guy that talks under his upper teeth. If that makes sense. Like he holds his words on the top of his mouth before he lets them out. He seems very nice. And fought like hell to defend his position. I mean, if I actually felt bad for anyone it was him. He was getting assaulted by four different people telling him he was doing a terrible job. And I doubt that they were wrong. He seems feckless and kind of doofy. But he is there. Or here, or whatever. Making sure that people don't speed through town. Giving tickets to outlanders. I mean, $660 a month? Say that is about three days of work a month. I mean, okay. Not much happens around here. I mean, I did get my plastic flamingo stolen last year. So did some other people. It was a real caper for a while. That never got solved. But I don't know. It seems like at least having someone to enforce a law if needed is better than getting the State Police involved. Right? I mean, when Vinney went crazy a few months ago they did get involved and that was fine. It probably cost the town money, right? Or not. I mean, I don't really know. Once again, if Judy is for it, I am probably against it. I can't say that I am pro-police, I am not, I think they handle too much shit that should be handled by other kinds of services, but as far as having someone around to deal with things, even if he doesn't return phone calls or only works two days a month? I kind of feel like that is a good thing. Optics-wise. Don't fuck up, or you might get a knock on your door in a month from now. And some rotund, kind of goofy, top of his mouth speaking loveable doof will ask you some questions. While Judy sits in her car, just down the road, a pair of binoculars held up to her eyes, a cigarette dangling from her mouth, muttering:

"You messed with the wrong hombre' this time. Wait? What! Why are you leaving! Get back in there! Why isn't he in cuffs! I am calling the police! Shit, why don't I have service here? Fucking vistas."

My black beans started sprouting. Very exciting. I was standing next to garden looking. I saw one. Then another. Then another. You have to understand that I put about 12 five gallon buckets of goat shit on top of the soil after I planted the beans. Which, I don't know what you know about goat shit, but it looks a lot like black beans. So, I mean, there was no way to tell what was what, until today. It was very exciting to see your plants sprouting. I did nothing to get them going. I just threw them on top of the soil and then threw a bunch of goat shit on top. I mean, my garden is about 4' x 8', but I must have thrown 100 dry black beans down. I mean, did I tell you that I am discontinuing the black bean burrito at the Farmers Market? Did I tell you that nobody wanted to buy them. That they sucked and didn't age well in the chafing dishes? That they got soggy and gluey. I mean, I won't lie, I had an epiphany about what to sell now. The cabbage burger is no more! I put an end to it. The new thing, which, I won't lie, is top notch. The new Cubby Bubby, which from here on out will be the Original Cubby Bubby. Something that in the future will become the Juicer. It is this:

I caramelize about three lbs of Vidalia onions. In my own special mix of spices and beef fat. Like almost to the point that they would become a French onion soup if you added beef broth. But I don't do that. I strain the onions and let them rest. I brown about 6 lbs of ground beef. Adding my secret mix of herbs and spices. Then when the meat is nice and golden brown I add the onions. Plus some other stuff. I cook that for a while and strain it. I cool it down and put it in a bag and leave it in the fridge over night to cool. In the morning I make a dough. A 4321 dough. Which is my basic bread dough. I let it rise. Cut it into 10 sections. Then I roll it out into circles. Put a 1/4rd slice of American cheese on top. 2/3rds cup of the ground beef mixture. Make my secret rolls. Bake them at 450F for 30 minutes. I mean. I think I did it. I won't lie. I ate one today. Just to make sure. The spot, was hit. I mean, sadly I can't make them fresh for the Farmers Market. That is an impossibility, I am not getting up at 2a to make $240 dollars, but still, I let them rest and wrap them in foil and freeze them as soon as possible. They will never be as good as the fresh ones, but still. I mean, there is a thought that maybe I make a little sauce to slide onto the dough before I add the cheese, but I can work on that over the Summer. I mean, they are not exactly a sloppy joe, the are closer to a Taco Burger, Without the lettuce or sauce. And the cheese melts perfectly and coats all of the ground beef equally. And there is also a few spots where the cheese congregates on the top, where the bread is. I mean, I ate the thing with my own FunBunz hot sauce. Both the vinegar version and the non-vinegar version. I mean, I won't lie. If people don't like these things, I don't know what they will like. Because I think they are something special. And I think that ditching the cabbage, as much as it hurt my heart, it was good idea. I mean, the onions, my lord, soft, sweet, buttery. I mean, maybe it's not for everyone. But anyone with a tastebud would love these things. I look forward to tweaking the recipe to get it just right. I mean, by October, you'll see. I will have lines two people deep. Asking me what I am selling. And then walking away saying "Okay, let me take a look around, but I might be back." All day long!

I mean, I also made some Breakfast Bubbys today. Those things always sell. I mean, I guess I just need to ramp up my cooking. Baking. Get some things out of the way. Today I remembered what I did last year to make this shit work and I had forgotten how much work it was. 40 Cubbys is four doughs. That is an hour of just making bread. Two hours of actual baking. And then you have to wrap them and put them in bags for the freezer. Which involves waiting around. They take forever to cool down. I mean, it is a whole day affair. And you have to keep everything clean. You can't go out and pet the goats and then come inside and rub one out and then clean the toilets and make a pot of beans. You have to stay focused. I mean, last year I had it down to a science. This year, not so much. I mean, I did go to Middlebury the other day and bought a display thing to let people have a look-see about the Cubby Bubbys. I mean, I think this will help. But it also means I have to make extras that I just end up destroying for the sake of inquisitive minds. The more you know. Or whatever. I mean, I saw Vinney Junior at the Hannaford. It's not Hannaford's it turns out. They are just named Hannaford. He was with his mom. In the next line over. He was wearing nothing but camo. Very cute. He said hi. I pretended to look at my watch. I said:

"Shouldn't you be in school?" He laughed and said:

"I have an appointment." I laughed and said:

"An appointment for ditching school." Then he said:

"Yeah, I don't mind though."

I mean, after I left the Hannaford. I went to the Key bank to exchange some $20 dollar bills for some singles for the Farmers Market. The bank teller said she was glad to exchange the bills for me if I had an account with them. I said:

"Well, I used to have an account with you, but then you changed to Community bank and I closed it." I don't know why, but this made her very defensive and she said:

"Not this branch, we are still Key bank. The bank in [enter town I don't know] changed to Community bank, but we didn't" I mean, I didn't care. I was super annoyed that she wouldn't exchange my money for no fucking reason. I didn't want to hear the excuses. I have exchanged money in banks many times before. This policy was just Key banks policy, it had nothing to do with anything. And my only point was that at one point I did have a Key bank account. And that all banks were connected so why the hell did it matter if I had an account with this specific bank or not? It wasn't like I was depositing cash into someone's account. I just needed to make my $20 dollar bills $1 dollar bills. And there was only $60 dollars of them. I mean, I started walking away as she was still explaining to me that this Key bank was not the other key banks:

"Yeah, but, the [insert other town that I didn't know where it was] branch is still a Key bank and also the branch in [insert other town that I didn't know where it was] is still a Key bank." I was pushing through the doors at this point. I half expected her to come around the side of the bulletproof kiosk to keep yelling at me about which banks were or were not Key banks. I mean, there is nothing more annoying than dealing with a banks nebulous and arbitrary rules just because, I don't know, that two seconds of time it would take to do the transaction would cost the corporation money? Yet the teller could sit there yelling at me about which banks were or were not Key banks anymore? I mean, what the hell? Just exchange the fucking money for me. Or don't. Don't give me a lecture about the details of corporate nuance that makes absolutely no difference. I mean, she might as well have just yelled:

"We only rape you with six inches of dick instead of six and one quarter inches of dick. Don't you see the difference?" I mean, I really didn't see what her point was. Just tell me no. There was nobody else in the bank. I wasn't keeping her from doing business with a "Paying" customer. She had a policy. That policy was to not exchange money. I respect that. But to harangue me about whether I understood that the Key bank that I once was a member of which I am no longer a member of because they became a different bank because of corporate nuance? I mean, whatever, I was annoyed and she seemed annoyed, but still, who gets a job at a bank anyway? I mean, had it been McDonald's and I was trying to use a coupon for Arby's or something, I mean, I would understand that too, but this was just me giving them money and them giving me different money back. And sure, you can't just take up someone's time if they are working and you don't have actual business with them, but I mean, as a kind of community good will thing, like maybe just exchange the money? It's not like people abuse the money exchange program they have. And, I mean, maybe if they had to deal with that, I would understand. But, I mean, it was like going into a deli and asking for matches or something. Charge me $.5 cents. I get it. Things cost money. I don't want a lighter or a pack of smokes, but I do want some matches. Things cost money. Her time costs money. I get that. But just getting upset with me about my misunderstanding about mergers and bank politics gets nothing done. I mean, I would have probably agreed to pay her $1 dollar to exchange the bills. Lord knows she is the only game in town. She knows that. I know that. It is a monopoly. I am over a barrel. I just need some dollars for the Farmers Market. If I have to pay for them, that sucks, but I have no other choice. This is Vermont. I don't think there is single Capital One in the entire state. Maybe an ATM in the airport in Burlington. But sure as shit I am not going to the airport to do my fucking banking. I mean, she could have easily convinced me to open an account. I mean, I didn't have any money. Just the $60 dollars in cash that I was trying to exchange, but still, maybe she could have offered me a savings account or something instead of yelling at me. Right?

I mean, I can't catch a break. All odds are against me. Woe betide. I mean, anyway. I don't know how I ended up here. These screeds these days. I have too much time on my hands but also not enough time on my hands. I need to get to work. Get organized. I mean, this song played while I was driving back over the mountain. I won't lie, I kind of want to cover it. It is a weird fucking song. With lots of different versions. I mean, it is going to drop down in the 30's tonight. It is raining now. Supposed to be 90F on Saturday. I mean, I only mention this because every day is wild ride around here. And nobody will exchange your $20s even though the entire economy is based on Farmers Markets. Fuck Key bank. They can suck it.

[Insert Two Boys One To Kiss Your Neck]