[15] Roach Town

[15]

As pleasant as the drive was, Zone was getting annoyed. The road was becoming confusing. Where road signs were supposed to be, there were none. Just metal poles that once had signs on them. That, or they would be bent in half. Useless. The signs at weird angles. The result of some Winter chaos. Somebody ending up in a ditch for sure. Zone asked Gagger to look in the glovebox for a map. There was no map. Just sucking candy and the insurance stuff. Gagger took a sucking candy. Untwirled it. Said: "Mmm, butterscotch. Zone?" Zone shook his head. He marbled: "No map?" Gagger sucked his candy. He shook his head. He said: "Nothing doing, sir." Sir? Was Gagger in a "Mood?" Zone wondered. Gagger got this way sometimes. Mostly when he was exhausted. For he was surely hungover, Zone decided. But calling him sir usually meant something was up. Gagger would be very funny for a while and then crash, turning into a whiny little baby. Zone had no patience for it. Not usually, and definitely not now. He thought about turning around. Taking Gagger back to Park House to get a nap. But he would probably just bone Bonny and not get any rest. He decided he would deal with the fallout when it came. If it came. It was possible that Gagger was just calling him, sir to call him, sir. Zone was his boss after all. These thoughts made Zone wonder if he himself was tired and hungover. It was possible. Even if he did feel great this morning, he still had a horrible night of things. And all the moonshine and beers and Orange Sunshine. Plus the cigarettes and the State Police. Zone tried to put these thoughts aside and focus on getting to the hippy hearse driver's house. At this point they were lost. The two detectives. They came to a T in the road. Zone had to decide. Left or right. There was no sign to clarify things. He thought that going right was the wrong way. He followed his instinct and turned left. The road went uphill for a while, came to a farm with a sign telling drivers to slow down for dogs and kids and chickens. Zone saw a dog and some chickens, no children though. Then the forest opened up. He could see some pretty good vistas. What looked like the valley where Rochester was located. As quickly as the road opened up, it closed down again. This frustrated Zone immensely. He said: "Fucking hell! Where the hell is this guy? I think we have to turn back." Gagger saw it differently.

He said: "Stop being so negative, man. We'll find him. Shit, we can't be far off, right? I mean, there is like three people that live around here." That logic was nonsense and Gagger knew it. Zone knew it too, but he decided to take his advice and stop being so negative. And like all things, when Zone finally gave up, the solution presented itself. The road dropped down, then crossed a river and then went uphill and turned a corner. And there, like some beautiful mirage, the hearse. The hearse was parked on the side of the road. Behind some police car looking thing that had the words "Omar Sharif" painted on the side. There were all sorts of odd sculpture-like things on the side of the road where the hearse was parked. A barn looking thing. On the other side was a house. A very odd looking house, that had been put together piecemeal. An addition to an addition to an addition. It wasn't a originally a double wide trailer like most odd looking houses Zone had seen since getting to Vermont. But something more thoughtful, if not foolish. There was a very large chunk of tree sitting on it's side on saw horses. It looked like it was getting ready to be carved or something. Maybe the hippy hearse driver was going to carve a totem pole? Judging by the other wild and uninspired sculpture on the property, it wasn't that far off. That idea. Zone pulled in front of the faux police car and parked the van. He made sure he wasn't blocking the road. He and Gagger got out. They stood there in the middle of the road looking. Gagger took his cigarettes out. Lit one. Handed it to Zone. Gagger lit one for himself. They smoked and looked. Zone was hoping the guy would just come out. He didn't want to go inside. There was something creepy about the house. About the fact that a guy that drove a hearse lived there. Plus the bad art things. He was afraid the house would be absolute chaos inside. Stacked newspapers and hoarder stuff. Maybe cats. Lots of cats. Zone didn't like cats. He found them disgusting creatures. Their dirty paws always walking around in litter boxes. Making shit dust wherever they went. Worms. Zone equated cats with worms for some reason. Plus they always seemed to scratch him whenever they came around. And their scratches always got infected. Zone wondered if he was maybe allergic to cats. And subconsciously he avoided them for that reason. Either that, or he just didn't like them. They grossed him out. Their static electricity and piss-poor attitudes. He didn't understand people who liked them. Because people who like them, tended to really, really like them. Gagger was one of these people. Gagger loved cats. The two detectives had spent many a coked-up night arguing about cats. Zone would always take his position, that they were gross and Gagger would take his position, saying things like: "How can you not like cats? They are fierce killers, Zone. Silent, deadly. Graceful and majestic." And Zone would reply: "That walk around with shit on their feet leaving hairs everywhere they went. Licking their buttholes all the time." It was a stupid argument that neither of them ever won. Or, depending on your position regarding cats, one of them won, but only subjectively. They were both right or wrong about cats. It didn't matter. But what did matter was that Zone really didn't like being around cats and he avoided them at all costs. If he could. Which is why the two detectives stood there smoking on the dirt road hoping the hippy hearse driver would come out. When he didn't, Zone sighed and started to walk to the front door. Gagger followed him. They threw their cigarette butts on the ground and Zone took his vulture talon fist and banged on the screen door. It bounced back with every knock. Zone didn't mean to knock so hard and he was afraid the thing might fall off of it's hinges. The other door was open. The house door. The main door. Zone could see inside. It was as bad as he had imagined. Shelves and shelves of junk and magazines and filth. He saw a long haired cat scurry away. Then another one. That one looked very old and mangy. Zone grimaced. He yelled: "Hey! Hearse-man, you in there?" There was a sound of movement. Then a crashing noise, then the guy cursed: "God damn-it! Get off of that, you...why did you do that?" The hearse driver came to the front door. He was wearing boxers. Nothing else. His hair in a ponytail. The flap of his shorts was open. His flaccid penis was visible. It looked a lot like the guy that owned it. Kind of balding and slicked back. Pasty even. Not impressive or sexual. Just kind of sad and limp. The guy looked like he had been sleeping. He had bags under his eyes. He blinked for a while before he spoke. Then for some reason he put his finger on the screen of the screen door and pushed it out. Like he was going to write something. Zone was curious as to what he was going to write. He didn't write anything though. He slid the finger down until it hit the wooden cross bar in the middle of the door and said:

"Oh, you two. I guess I should have guessed. Hold on, let me put some clothes on. You want to come in?" Zone was about to say no when Gagger slipped by him and opened the screen door. Zone sighed and followed him in. Gagger went straight to the first cat he could find. Zone held his breath and took a look around. The place was mess. A cat was rubbing on his pant leg. He tried to shoo it away. But it didn't get the hint. Gagger turned around. Holding a cat. Petting it. Showing it to Zone. Smiling. Zone scowled at him. Gagger said: "Oh, c'mon! Look how cute she is! Aren't you a little cutie-pie, yes you are, you are a cutie-pie." He was rubbing the cats head. The cat was purring. Zone wanted to puke. He felt dried out and inundated. The cat rubbing his legs was making his calf itchy. He could feel all the gross cat stuff collecting on him. The hairs, the filth. Zone was about to start screaming. He was so overwhelmed. He finally took a breath. The smell was abysmal. Urine and cat litter. Old newspapers. Dust. So much dust. He stuck his tongue out for some reason. Thinking that would help him not feel so dry. And then, how, I don't know, there was already a cat hair on his tongue. He stuck his fingers in his mouth trying to get it out. He couldn't find it though. He kept at it. He could taste it. It was there, somewhere, he just couldn't get it. He was going insane. It was all too much. The noise. So much noise. The cats and newspapers, the smells, the dander, the hair in his mouth. He couldn't do it. He couldn't stick around. He kicked the cat that was rubbing his leg, Gagger said: "Hey, man!" Zone turned around and ran out the screen door. He wiped himself down. His pant leg, his clothes. He kicked his leg. He went around the corner of the house looking for a nice breeze. A breeze came, but it smelled like cow manure. Zone bit into his teeth so hard that he feared he would break them. He wanted to punch something. That, or go running off to take a dip in some lake. Diving head first with all of his clothes on. But there was no lake to run to. He stood there for a moment. Trying to feel different. The cat hair was now stuck in the back of his mouth. Making it's way to his throat. He did some mouth maneuvers hoping to get it to the front. Sticking his tongue out, then bringing it back in. This made things worse. The thing got stuck to his speedball flap. Dangling above his windpipe. Suddenly he was coughing like crazy. His eyes bulging out. His tongue working overtime. And then finally, finally the thing made it to the tip of his tongue. He was able to grab the tip of it and pull it out. He stood there holding it in the sunlight. His eyes watering. His stomach hurting like he had just done a hundred sit-ups. He shook his head. He tried to throw the thing in anger but it stayed stuck to his fingertips. He wiped it away on his pant leg. He frowned. Where the cat had been rubbing on him was covered with hair. He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch Gagger in the face for making him go inside. He was very unhappy at the moment. He had just been involved in a pointless endeavor. For no reason. He wondered when he would ever learn. Why didn't he trust his instincts sometimes? He should have never gone inside that house of filth. Never! And now he was so distracted that he didn't know what to do about it. The hippy hearse driver and Gagger were outside now. Looking at Zone. Not sure about what to do. Zone was obviously in a "State." He was acting like he had just been attacked by a hoard of bees. But he hadn't been. He had only spent some times with some cats. Gagger became bemused by this in a way that didn't help things, he said:

"Zone, relax, man, it's just some cats." Zone was so upset that he started to storm off. Gagger said:

"Dude! Where are you going?"

Zone said: "Fuck this, I am out of here!" Zone got to the van and sobered up. What was he doing? This was insane. He stood there for a second and then his shoulders slumped. He turned around and walked back. He marbled:

"Yeah, whoops. Sorry. Fucking cats, though."

The hippy hearse driver said: "Man, you really don't like cats."

Gagger said: "He doesn't."

The hippy hearse driver said: "But how can you not like cats? They are silent killers."

Gagger agreed: "That's what I tell him! They're majestic animals." Zone wasn't having it.

He said: "Drop it, you two." The hippy hearse driver didn't drop it.

He said: "How can you not like cats?" Zone bounced over to the guy and stood uncomfortably close to him. The guy took a step back.

Zone said: "What's your name?" The hippy hearse driver stuttered.

He stuttered: "Lulllulaserbeam Sunshine." Zone mocked him.

He said: "Lulllulaserbeam Sunshine, who the fuck is Omar Sharif?"

Laserbeam Sunshine said: "He is a movie guy. From Egypt." Zone thought about this.

He said: "Why the hell do you have his name on that cruiser there?" Laserbeam Sunshine didn't really know.

He said: "He's a good actor is all." Zone didn't like this answer. It was a useless answer. He didn't know what to do with it. He rubbed his forehead and relaxed. He was suddenly very tired. He looked at the hippy hearse driver. He was wearing jeans and black socks and sandals and a tie-dyed shirt. His balding head and his graying ponytail. The dark circles under his puffy eyes. Zone suddenly felt like a dick for being a dick.

He said: "Yeah, okay. I guess I can see it." Laserbeam Sunrise was confused.

He said: "See what?"

Zone said: "Why you would paint that on your car." The hippy hearse driver puffed out his cheeks.

He said: "Oh, no, or I guess, or whatever, I did that for a parade a few years back, it doesn't really mean anything. We were just doing a movie themed thing for harvest is all. I don't know how to get it off now. Plus the transmission is shot, so the junker just sits there. You need some parts? The rest of her works like a charm. Rust free, mostly." Zone didn't need any parts.

He said: "I'm okay, thanks. Gagger? You looking for parts?" Gagger was glad the Zone had calmed down. He was about to apologize for Zone's poor behavior, but decided against it. He shook his head. Zone closed his eyes to reset. When he opened them again he felt better. He was slightly embarrassed, but he didn't apologize. He had moved on from the cats, but because they were still lingering around on the periphery, he didn't want trigger something else. Had he apologized it would have brought everything back up. And Zone was struggling with this. He hated having emotions when it was inopportune. He could apologize later if it was needed. For now he was focused again on the thing at hand.

Zone said: "When did you get back last night?" Laserbeam Sunrise didn't have to think about it.

He said: "Four thirty four. I know it because I looked. It took forever to get the body into the morgue. I sat outside for two hours even." Zone found this curious.

He said: "That's odd. What was the hold up?"

Laserbeam Sunrise said: "Captain Sergeant, mostly. He said I had to wait because of a shift change. I don't know, man. To me that seems like a weird thing. Keeping a body like that in the hot night seems pretty awful if you ask me. But what do I know? I am just a delivery service, you know?" He paused for a second. Then he said: "Hey, do you mind if I spark this thing?" He pulled a joint out of his pocket. Bent it straight. He said: "It's legal here, man. My property and all." Zone didn't mind. He was happy about it even. Gagger stepped over and lit the thing for the guy. He took a giant drag from the joint and held it inside. He made a question face to Zone. Holding the joint between his thumb and forefinger. Zone took it.

He said: "Don't mind if I do." He took a hit, handed it to Gagger. Gagger smiled his broken tooth smile. Took a drag. Handed it back to Laserbeam Sunrise. They all three stood there, passing the joint around. This made Zone feel better. His anger disappeared. For a second his mind got very sharp. He had quite a few questions that he wanted to ask the guy. The hippy hearse driver. But that time came and went. Before he was able to express himself he was on a different plain. The sounds of the forest around him started speaking to him. The birds chirping. The breeze blowing. The warm Summer air. Clouds and grass. Zone was doing alright. Smiling even. He looked over at Gagger, who was smiling too. He looked at Zone's expression.

Gagger said: "What? What is it?" Zone didn't say anything, he just smiled. Gagger said: "Zone, what is so funny?" Gagger looked over at Laserbeam Sunrise. He was smiling too. Gagger said: "What's so funny, guys? Do I have a nose hair loose or something?" Zone busted out laughing. This led to Laserbeam Sunshine laughing. And then Gagger started laughing. But he didn't know why. He said: "What'd I do?" Zone was now bending over. Holding his hand out.

He said: "A nose hair? Hahahha! Do you have a nose hair dangling!"

Laserbeam Sunshine said: "Loose! He said he had a nose hair loose! Hahhaha!"

Gagger said: "Do I? Guys! I can't tell! I feel like I can feel it! But do I? Do I!"

Zone said: "Gagger! Do you even have nose hairs? You don't even have pubes!"

Laserbeam Sunrise said: "Pfft! He doesn't have pubes? What!"

Zone said: "He's bald as an eagle!" Laserbeam Sunshine burst out laughing. Gagger too.

Gagger said: "Better than the sasquatch here! Zone is as hairy as an ape! He has to wipe his ass with a comb!"

Laserbeam Sunrise said: "Wipe his ass with a comb?! Hahahha! Catching dingle berries I suppose! Hahahha!"

Gagger said: "More like tumble weeds!" This made all three of them burst out laughing until their stomachs hurt. Zone's mouth got really dry and Gagger got sick of standing in front of the house.

He said: "What's down over there?" The hippy hearse driver looked to where Gagger was looking.

He said: "I'll show you." They walked over to a clearing down and below the house and the road. Zone looked over at Gagger. His eyes were nearly shut with weed. He had a look on his face like he was a dumb as a lizard catching early morning sun. Zone looked the same. He kept licking his lips. Hoping to find some moisture. They followed the hippy hearse driver. His graying ponytail and tie-dyed t-shirt leading the way. When they got to where he was taking them the guy laid down. Zone and Gagger laid down as well. The grass was tall and tickly. The ground was soft though. There were giant pines above them. An open sky. A few lonely clouds were dangling like white cotton candy against a soft blue sky.

The two detectives and the hippy hearse driver stared off into the distance. Listening to birds and bugs and breezes. The sun was very high, but because of the trees it wasn't burning them. They all had huge smiles on their faces. Stupid smiles. Like teenagers. Lost in the moment. Zone felt tingly. His body heavy on the ground. He was thinking vaguely about what was happening. Not really in the moment, but not fighting it either. He wanted to talk, but his mouth wouldn't make any words. Gagger was absolutely lost. Things were only colors to him now. The smell of the dirt and grass was giving him ideas. He vaguely thought about women and sex, but also the universe. He had no desire to speak. Laserbeam Sunrise however was starting to get paranoid. He had made a mistake that he didn't mean to make. By telling the detectives that Captain Sergeant had held him in the loading bay for two hours before letting him bring the body in. He had promised not to tell anyone about this. Yet he told the two detectives. He didn't know what to do about it. He was convinced that they would fall asleep and he could ditch before they woke up. But at the moment, he was as stoned as they were. He was trying to stay ready. Even as he pointed out what clouds looked like what.

He said: "Man! Look at that one! I think it's a balloon animal buffalo!"

Zone said: "Yeah, I see it!"

Gagger said: "Right on, man."

And that is what happened. Zone and Gagger drifted off to sleep. Laserbeam Sunrise got up and snuck back to the hearse and drove off down the road. He knew where he was going and he felt bad about it, but there was nothing else he could do. A promise was a promise. Even if he disagreed with what it meant. He thought about his cats. Whether or not he could come back home. He decided he could call a neighbor to have them check in on them. Maybe when he got to Montpelier. He drove too fast on the way to the highway on the other side of Townline road. The hearse ended up in the ditch before he got there. He was above Granville proper when he got stuck. Upper Granville, as it were. He started walking down into town. Thinking he would hitch-hike to Montpelier. When he got to the highway he realized he was being stupid. He turned back around and started walking back up the hill. By the time he got back to the hearse, Zone and Gagger were parked next to it with the Park House van. Waiting for him. They had cigarettes in their mouths and gloomy expressions on their faces. Zone's arms were crossed. Gagger looked like he might punch somebody. Laserbeam Sunrise was out of breath and sweating. He rang out his ponytail. Sweat dripped down onto his tie-dyed shirt. He held his hands up like he was being arrested.

He said: "You got me." Zone and Gagger frowned at him.