[2] Roach Town

[2]

When the cruiser slowed down to enter the town of Rochester, Zone looked over the seat and read the sign out loud:

"Rochester? I thought we were going to Vermont?" He knocked on the partition. The driver pulled the sliding door over. He said:

"Yeah?"

"Hey! I thought we were going to Vermont? Why are we in Rochester?"

"Rochester, Vermont, sir."

"Oh." The driver closed the partition window. Zone felt like a boob. Maybe he did need to take the cure.

"Great detective work there, buddy." Gagger said. Smiling his broken tooth at Zone.

"Shut it." Zone sat there silent. His face felt hot and he wished he had kept his mouth shut. This was the kind of thing that Gagger wouldn't let slide. The cruiser slowed down even more. Finally coming to a stop. The driver got out and opened Gagger's door, then went around the cruiser and opened Zone's door. They both got out and looked around. Detective Zone was already bored out of his lights. He looked across the town square. He saw the one bar in town. This cheered him up a little. Gagger looked around in his own way. Mostly looking for hot babes or something akin to that. He saw no hot babes, and nothing akin to that. He looked across the town square, at the gas station. There was a woman getting gas, she was neither a hot babe or anything close to akin to that. He turned his lips in on themselves and blew air out of his nose. Zone watched this. He knew what it meant. He had seen it quite a few times before, this mouth and nose action. He could hear the thoughts in Gagger's mind. He was thinking about getting into the front seat of the cruiser and driving off. Leaving Zone and the driver in the dust. Zone said:

"Don't you fucking dare!" Gagger shot a glance over at Zone. He was caught in the act. He knew it. He said:

"What'd I do?" The driver spoke:

"This is you." Gagger came over to the same side where the other two guys were standing. They stood on the sidewalk. Looking at a large New England-style group housing building. It had a porch that went around the entire outside. It was painted white. There was decretive balustrade. Also painted white. Rocking chairs. The stylized sign planted in the front yard read: Park House Retirement Home. Zone and Gagger shook their heads. Looked at each other. Looked at the driver. Zone said:

"You can't be serious?"

"Captain's orders."

"And if we refuse?"

"You know the answer to that."

"How long are we supposed to be here?"

"Until he sends me, or somebody like me back to get you."

"Fucking, god damned, Nylon. How about we give you two hundred doll hairs and you take us back to Brooklyn, and you just tell him we are here?"

"Look, man, sir, no disrespect, but I don't want to have nothing to do with that."

"Five hundred then?"

"Don't forget your luggage." The driver was walking around the side of the cruiser.

"A thousand! C'mon, man! You can't leave us here! This is cruel and unusual, man! We are getting a lawyer! Gagger! Get the keys!" Gagger didn't get the keys. He got the luggage. Shut the doors. The driver drove the cruiser around the town square. He came back and pulled up driving the other direction. He rolled the window down. He said:

"Look, I'll talk to the Captain. I think he was just worked up when this got decided. He will be calmed down. Maybe I will be back tomorrow. Maybe." Zone was thinking he would be clever. He said:

"Don't you need gas? There is a gas station right over there." He didn't have a plan, but in the time that the guy would take to get the gas they could hatch something. Maybe put some nails down on the road and give the guy a flat tire on his way out of town. Or flag down a cop or something, make up some sob story about a City police officer taking them on some weird joy ride. Delay things a bit. But the driver wasn't buying it. He said:

"Nice try, Roach Boy, but I aint spending one extra second in this town, it gives me the creeps." He rolled up the window and drove away. Zone and Gagger stood there watching him go. Gagger said:

"Oof. Even the driver socked it to ya, Roach Boy." This annoyed Zone. It was already starting.

"Whatever. Roach Boy doesn't even make sense. It should be Roch Boy. A soft 'o' not a hard one. You guys are idiots."

Zone was not feeling it. A Roach Boy in a Roach Town. Half hungover. Tired from the road. Now apparently living in a retirement home until the Captain's feelings stopped hurting. They had no other instructions about what to do here. In theory they were supposed to take the cure, but what did that mean? Zone knew what it implied, but who the hell was going to enforce it? The staff of the retirement home? Someone's grandma, who needed some walking around money? There was a bar right there. And what looked like a grocery that sold liquor just down the way. Even the gas station appeared to sell booze. It's not like they could freeze their bank accounts, right? He supposed they were the police, so it was possible, but was it really? Detective Zone didn't know the answer to that. He wondered if he should. If had used that sort of threat on some investigation at some point in the past, with a particularly stubborn suspect in some crime he was trying to solve. He vaguely remembered doing something like that, but he was lying. He was always lying. Most of his police work was just lying to people in order to scare them into doing something stupid. And it was effective, but this thing, this idea that they would not have access to money. It made Zone nervous. He thought he would go crazy, indeed, if he had to just sit on the porch, rocking in a rocking chair until that jerk driver came back up from the City. Gagger lit a smoke and handed it to Zone. He lit another and sucked on it himself. They stood there smoking. Looking. Not sure what the next move was. Aside from going in. Aside from going in. Getting settled. Then going to the bar across the town square. The air smelled nice. The place was peaceful. It was slightly hot, but not oppressive like the City. A car drove by. For some reason the detectives turned around to look. The driver was old looking and frowned at them. Gagger said:

"Fuck you, too." They dropped their smokes on the sidewalk. Toed them out. Picked up their duffel bags and walked inside the retirement home.

-------------

They must have been loud because they were greeted by a woman wearing some very odd jewelry. In her late 40s. An odd hairdo, almost a bob, but not, or maybe it was supposed to be a bob, but she had cut her hair herself. She was shorter and kind of round. Not the kind of hot babe that Gagger was looking for, but he didn't not think about it. She smelled nice enough. She said:

"Shhhh. It's nap time." Zone and Gagger looked into the parlor. There were six women sleeping in cushioned rocking chairs. Snoring softly. This made Zone smile. Gagger looked over at him with a twinkle in his eye. He whispered:

"You softy!"

"Shhh." Zone whistled through his broken tooth. The woman with the weird jewelry and odd bob and nice smells whispered:

"You must be Roger Zone and Greg Gagger?'

"In the flesh." Gagger did his lip tucking face maneuver again. This time it meant "This fucking dude." He said:

"We are, ma'am."

"Well, welcome to Park House. Come with me, I'll show you your room." Zone said, breaking the whisper:

"Room?" The woman with the jewelry and hair hissed:

"Shhh!" One of the sleeping grandmas kind of stirred a little. All three of them stood still. Like they were sneaking into someone's house and made a accidental noise. The grandma started snoring again. They followed the woman with the jewelry and the haircut up the stairs. Gagger looked at her ass as she was walking up the stairs and decided that he was not opposed. It would be odd, but it might be fun. Zone elbowed him. Knowing exactly what he was thinking. He whispered:

"Not now!" The woman with the jewelry and the haircut hissed:

"Shhh!" The got to the second floor. Then they turned and walked up the second set of stairs to the third floor. At this point they could talk. They were far enough away from the grandmas that it wouldn't wake them up. The woman with the jewelry and haircut spoke in a regular voice. Not too loud, but not whispering. She said:

"Okay, this is you. I am Bonny by the way. I am in charge of this place. You are Roger?"

"I'm Gagger, I mean, Greg, this is Roger, or if you want, you can call him Roach Boy."

"Roach Boy?"

"Ignore him. I am Roger Zone. Nice to meet you."

"The pleasure is mine, I am sure. So as you can see, there are two beds. The windows open, but we would prefer you keep them closed. Some of the residents get very upset if a draft comes through. I mean, very upset. For your own protection, keep the windows closed. There are towels in the bathroom. We ask that you use one towel per week. You can hang them here to dry after using them. We offer a laundry service every Sunday. Meals are three times a day. Six in the morning, lunch is eleven in the morning, and dinner is served at five. Aside from that, we only ask that lights out are by nine at night. I mean, you are allowed to keep your lights on, to read or whatever, but you should be aware that sometimes the light that comes out from under the doors does, in fact, irritate the other guests here. So you may get a knock on your door if you are not using your bedside lamps." Zone was not liking this at all. He said:

"Wait. Lights out by nine? Breakfast at six? Those are crazy hours. Who the hell lives like that?" Bonny was a little confused. She had talked to Captain Nylon on the phone. She knew that the detectives were coming up to "Relax" but there was no indication that there would be resistance to what she was offering. She said:

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you serious? I don't remember the last time I was lights out by nine. Aint we all adults here?"

"Sir, those are the terms of the house. If you don't care for the rules, I am not sure I can help you."

"But does that mean that we have to be home by nine every night?"

"Oh, I don't think that has ever come up. Do you expect to be working late into the evening? We lock the doors by eight. If we don't some of the residents get very nervous."

"I mean, I don't know about you, but that seems pretty early to be calling it a night, am I right?"

"Once again, Mr Zone, that has never come up. My job is to keep these residents as comfortable as they can be until, I don't mean to be crass, but this is a retirement home. This is kind of the last..." Bonny trailed off. She didn't want to say it, but this is where old people came to die. She was under the impression that, although these two detectives were not there to die, they were there to perform some sort of function that included that they follow the rules of Park House.

"Can we get a key?" Gagger interjected. Thinking about stumbling home after hours. Maybe a hot babe under his arm. To have silent sex while Zone slept in the next bed.

"Once again, that has never come up. I can ask around for you."

"Can you?" Zone marbled. He was not digging the scene. But he was honest with himself about it. He kind of dug the structure and the quiet nature of everything. Even the idea of some old grandma knocking on his door because he was reading too loud. He thought he might like it here. That taking the cure was exactly what he needed right now. But he also did think having a key to the front door when inevitably either he, or Gagger was out later than lights out they would be able to get back inside. In his mind he pictured Gagger getting a ladder and climbing through the window. He laughed about this. Bonny didn't understand. She said:

"What's so funny?" Zone shrugged.

"Oh, nothing." Bonny was starting to think that these guys were a couple of weirdos. She had a little tingle down below about Gagger. She didn't like the sensation, but she kind of wanted to explore it. It had been a while for her, and the guy had a weird way of looking at her that made her both nervous and aroused. Zone caught on to this. He blew air out of his nose. That was the kind of thing that did not end well. He decided he would run interference between the two. Starting with this very second. He said:

"Okay, Bonny. Thank you, so much. I think we are good here. When is nap time over?"

"Oh, it is right about now! I should go! They like cookies and milk when they wake up. Enjoy your stay! I'll ask about the key." Bonny left. Her nice smell hung around the room. Gagger's not nice smell combined with Zone's even more not nice smell ate it up pretty quick. Gagger said:

"I think she likes it, Roach Boy."

"Dude, do me a favor, please!"

"She might be fun."

"I know what you are thinking, it is not worth it. This is not a time to make things complicated."

"Yeah, we'll see."

"No! We won't see. She is off limits! Captain's orders!"

"The Captain didn't say shit about me bonin' no-one."

"Yeah, he didn't say shit about living in an old folks home either, so stick it back in your pants."

"Dude, she is into it! She is like a rusty lawn mower over there. Been sitting in a shed for a looong time. She needs to mow some grass. I bet she gets really worked up."

"Yeah, alright, fuck. I guess we are sharing a room. What should we do now? Dinner isn't for another couple hours."

"Are you joking?"

"Yeah, I'm joking. Do you not see this? We are doomed, man! Doomed. This is going to be insane. It feels like I got roots growing out of my feet! I'm so bored already that I think I might start sorting sand just to pass the time."

"Okay, well, what the hell can we do about it?"

"They are serving cookies and milk, maybe we go meet the grandmas?"

------------

At the same time that Detective Zone and Detective Gagger were checking into the Park House Retirement Home, a thing was happening up the Bethel Mountain Road. Where Fiske Road met the Oak Lodge Road. There was a conversation that nobody should hear. Not in the sense that the conversation shouldn't be heard, but in the sense the conversation was a private conversation that was not meant for anyone's ears. Aside from the two people having it. It was an argument. With two very upset people yelling at each other. One of them had one idea, and the other one had a different idea entirely. It was an argument that would not end well. A man by the name of Union Dan was making a point about some articles of commerce, the kind of thing that nobody would take seriously if you didn't understand the nature of the relationship, but Union Dan and Gary Alone, who, Gary was the second Gary, the first Gary had a wife, but Gary Alone only had himself, but because he was called Gary Alone, he didn't fill very nice about getting called Gary Alone, but Union Dan, who was called Union Dan because he was an advocate for Unions, they were screaming at each other because of the way that whenever they got together to plan the next weeks farmers market they could never agree about how bring the goods down to town. Mostly because Union Dan had the better truck, but Gary Alone had the better tent. And the argument was stupid. But this time it got out of control and they ended up going out to the green house to make a point. Both of them pissed off at the other one. Union Dan was yelling:

"What the hell is your problem? We don't need to get to the bottom of this every time, it is no big deal, I think you need to just relax!" Gary Alone yelled:

"But my tent has better stakes! I think you are just rubbing it in my face!" Union Dan yelled:

"I am not! I let you use your truck. Even though mine gets better gas mileage." Gary Alone yelled:

"But we are just going down the road, there! I don't know why you can't let that go." Union Dan yelled:

"Have you not seen the gas prices?" Gary Alone yelled:

"But the profit margins!" Union Dan yelled:

"I don't think it makes a bit of differ...nce. What the hell is that?" Gary Alone yelled:

"What?" Union Dan yelled.

"Are those feet?" Gary alone walked into the green house. There was a dead body. A woman. Young. A trickle of blood was drying below her nose. She was slightly contorted. Wearing a Summer dress. She was out of place. Aside from being dead in a green house, she was out of place for Vermont. She had tanned skin. Youthful dead looks. Blonde hair. That was not natural. She was sporty. Like she had just come from a tennis game. There was nothing grumpy or inertial about her. She was shiny. Like a cougar hood ornament. She did not belong there. Even dead, she did not belong there. She was from somewhere else. Almost California, or something. She could have been a model, or a movie star, but she wasn't. She was dead on the floor of Gary Alone's green house. He screamed an ran away. Gary Alone did. Union Dan didn't. He walked into the green house and checked the dead woman's pulse. She was indeed dead. He found himself curious about her. Sticking around for a while. Thinking about things. After a while Union Dan yelled from a while away. He yelled:

"Gary! Get out of there! What happened?"

"I don't know! I can't! Call the constable!"

"Is she dead?"

"Go call, Bondo!"

"He doesn't answer his phone, though!"

"Gary! This is serious!"

"I know, I know!"

"What's the hold up?"

"Are you sure we shouldn't call the ambulance?"

"Gary! She's dead! Go call Bondo!"

Gary went inside and called Bondo. Bondo did not answer. Gary tried again. Still no Bondo. He panicked and dialed the emergency service. Which led him to the volunteer fire department. Which, for better of worse, transferred his call to Bonny, who was the person running the Park House. Which, at that moment she was serving milk and cookies to old grandmas waiting around to die, that had just woken up from a nap. In the sitting room of the Park House, where, it just so happened that Detective Zone and Detective Gagger from the NYPD were upstairs on the third floor. Arguing about whether or not Gagger should try to bone Bonny because she would be a "Fun Lay" as Detective Gagger had called her. Who were up in Vermont, "Taking the cure." Because they had fucked so much shit up back in the City that their Captain, Captain Nylon, had sent them up to Rochester, Vermont, which, Detective Zone had already started calling Rochester, Roach Town because the driver of the cruiser had called him, Roach Boy because he had mistaken Rochester, Vermont for Rochester, New York and now Detective Gagger was also calling Detective Zone, Roach Boy. Bonny took the call, with here weird jewelry and her odd haircut. From the landline. Detective Zone and Detective Gagger were sitting in the sitting room. Rocking in rocking chairs. Talking to the grandmas. Waiting around to die. Bonny picked the phone from the receiver in the kitchen. She listened to what Union Dan had to say. Then she said:

"I got these two detectives from the City sitting here right now! Do you want to talk to them?"

"Put-em on! Put-em on!" Bonny walked into the sitting room. She whispered into Zone's ear:

"We got a phone call." Zone stood up. She didn't want to whisper into Gagger's ear because she wanted to hump him. And she was afraid she would give that away. But Zone held none of that magnetism. He was more like a bouncing vulture. With a weird skinny neck and too much noticing for her desire. After Zone stood up she kind of hoped that Gagger would take her to the bathroom and have some good times with her. He was about to, but then he heard what Zone was saying through the phone, so he instead just chewed on a cookie and listened:

"This is Zone." A moment of silence. "And she is not alive?" Another moment of silence. "Okay, we will be there shortly. Bonny knows?" Another moment of silence. "Yeah, okay, her she is." Bonny took the phone from Zone. Her loins were wet, but her heart was focused. She looked at Zone while she talked. She also looked over at Gagger. His erection was showing in where his pants met his crotch. He was rubbing on it. Zone looked over. The grandmas were eating their cookies and drinking their milk. Zone yelled at Gagger:

"Dude! Not now!" The grandmas all look up. At Zone. Gagger stopped what he was doing. He said:

"What'd I do?" Zone scowled at him Bonny hung up the phone. She said:

"Okay, you guys have to come with me." Gagger put his plate of cookies down and stood up. His erection clearly visible in his pants. The grandmas didn't notice. They were busy being confused about all of this. Gagger said:

"Ladies, I will have to leave this for the next time." Gagger and Zone and Bonny ran out to Bonny's car that was parked on the street. Zone got in the front seat. He did not want Bonny and Gagger to be close to each other. This disappointed Bonny, but they were in a hurry. Her jewelry and haircut making noise when she got into the driver's seat. Gagger sat in the back. Touching his hard dick through his pants. Zone could tell what he was doing so he yelled:

"Knock it off!" Gagger said:

"What'd I do?" Bonny didn't know what was happening so she said:

"What's he doing?" Zone said:

"You don't want to know." But Bonny did want to know. She smiled and adjusted the mirror to look at Gagger. "Both of you! Knock it off! This is serious!" At that point Bonny said:

"I didn't do anything!"

"Just drive, please."

"What do you think I am doing?" Bonny went around the town square. Up the road for a while. Driving slowly because the road was a dirt road. All the time Zone could feel Gagger trying to get her attention. She was extremely distracted by this. Zone kept yelling:

"Dude! Not now!" There must have been a dick removed from the pants because Bonny started driving like a maniac. Nearly crashing the car on the dirt road. Zone yelled:

"Bonny! Pull over!" Bonny pulled over. Zone got out. Went around the front of the car. Opened the door. Said, "Get out." Bonny got in the back with Gagger. Zone adjusted the mirror so he didn't have to look, but he said, "Look, you perverts, at least get me to where I am going!" The sounds were abysmal. Bonny and Gagger really could not contain themselves. In between sucking noises Bonny gave Zone directions to the green house. By the time they got there he was in no mood to be in the car anymore. He jumped out of it like it was on fire. He looked in the back seat. Bonny's ass was in the air. He could see Gagger's fingers doing things. It was all so offensive that Zone wanted to put a blanket over the car. To hide the shame. Instead he walked over to the green house. Union Dan and Gary Alone were off to the side. In the trees. In shock. Union Dan pointed. Zone felt bad for them. He had seen quite a few dead bodies in his time, but the first time was the worst. They would not forget this. He was annoyed with Gagger, bonin' Bonny in the car. But there was nothing he could do about that. Zone walked into the green house and saw the dead body. The blood around the nose. The California looks. He knew she was from out of town. The woman was dead. That was for certain. What she was doing here, right now, was not clear. Zone made some observations. Made a note about her ankles. The nature of her un-shaved legs. White hairs. The bleached head hairs. Her outfit. There was nothing else that made the woman being dead in this green house something other than normal. Dead body-wise. She didn't belong here was all. But that was true for Zone himself. He waited for a minute before leaving the green house. Checking out the flowers. The plants. He was worried about the guys that found her. Whether they would recover. They seemed insane at the moment. He knew that he would have to call the authorities, whatever that meant. He looked over at Bonny's car. He could still see Gagger and Bonny boning. Zone got annoyed by this. He walked over to the two guys hiding in the woods. Obviously in shock. He marbled:

"You found the body?" Union Dan and Gary Alone looked at each other. They couldn't understand Detective Zone. Union Dan said:

"What are you saying?"

"You found the body, right?" They still didn't understand. The way Zone spoke was like listening to a cement mixer. Gagger showed up out of nowhere. Smelling like Bonny. He said:

"You found the body?" Union Dan and Gary Alone perked up. Union Dan said:

"Oh, you know it! We were just coming down to get ready for the farmers market and then..."