[298] Screed City

[298]

09/10/2024. Tuesday. Side turned nightstand on dresser. Stateroom 9372. SS Celebrity Reflection. Florida Keys, Florida.

I guess I am ship-shape. We left Fort Laudie, as the bridesmaids call it around 3p. We got to the dock around 9:30a. Went through a very odd, very serious security. Had to show our passports and boarding passes three different times and then they finally let us put our tools and luggage through the xray machine. I dont know what they were looking for, but they didnt spend very much time looking at it. There was a metal. Multiple men and women wearing white captain's shirts. At first I thought they were important people, surely. But it turns out they were just security basically. At that point me and Scott had to wait until somebody came and go us. Twenty minutes later one of the phony captains, a very pretty Asian woman from Norway came over and addressed me personally, telling me that they tried to get in touch with whoever it was Scott told them to get in touch with and that there was a confusion and it would be another twenty minutes. I thanked her and she left. I turned to Scott and asked:

"How come she was addressing me like I was the boss of things?"

"It's because you are tall."

What he left off was handsome, debonair, striking, deeply intelligent and charming. In charge of not only my own life but of those around me. A real renaissance man. Heavy in the crotch and light in the loafers. Meaning I have alacritous feet, like Fred Astaire in heels while dancing backwards. Oh, and also, I shaved my head, my mustache and bought a whole new outfit from Old Navy so now I look like a goon in charge everywhere I go.

[insert goon photo]

Moments later somebody showed up to get us. I dont remember who because from that moment on things were more different than they have ever been on a job site in my life. Soon we were zipping through the bowels of a big boat and Scott was telling me this was this and that was that, go here and go there, do this thing and do that thing. We ducked and jived and scooted stridently down what they, not the bridesmaids, but the workers of the cruise ship, call I-95 because it traverses the entire ship. The easiest way to get from one end to the other without having to deal with "Guests." I quote the word guest because technically me and Scott are also guests. Also contractors. Eventually we ended up on stage and things looked normal for a few minutes. But things were not normal, dear cunts, things were not normal at all.

After some introductions and some hand shaking and good to see yous, and its been a whiles, we got immediately to work. I wont bore you with the details of why it was not normal, but truss me, it was not normal. [See what I did there?] Why did the rigger have trouble making friends? Because he had truss issues.

A few hours later we had to leave the theater and go back outside of the boat so we could check back in as "Guests." That scene was a wild scene too. The security was very serious as well, but I am serious when I say this, they were all people in their 70's. I am not judging age or being agist or even thinking there was something exactly odd about it, but it was strange in general sense. In a general sense that proves that all security is theater. I could have easily, as a big, beastly, bulging man in my forties easily punched my way through that rag tag assortment of retirees no problem and nobody would have been able to stop me. But then what? What good would it do me? I could maybe get to the buffet faster? I doubt it. They would surely hunt me down and drag me off the boat. Maybe not the retirees, but somebody and soon. My point is, however, that at this point, when we finally made it through security, our tickets and passports had been clocked and scanned seven times. The cruise ship app is on my phone. They have my debit card number, all my passport information, my current address, multiple pictures of me. They know me better than I know myself. So why the security theater? Planes are the exact same but worse. At least on a cruise ship instead of getting to sit around your gate for two hours before you depart thinking about how crowded the plane is and whether or not they are going to force you to check your carry-on, on a cruise they have a nice buffet to eat and you can go swimming or whatever while you wait to disembark.

What can you do? Me and Scott left the boat, got back on the boat, walked to the top of the boat and went to the buffet for lunch. It was quite nice. I had two kinds of fried chicken and some jambalaya or something, a salad and some iced tea. After lunch he showed me the way to my stateroom. The electronic key taped to the door. After I got in he said he would either see me at 10p in the theater or we would talk if I got the internet to work. I got the internet to work and then immediately went upstairs to watch the boat disembark. It took forever and was slightly anti-climactic, but the "Guests" were already drunk and one feisty middle-aged lady twerked herself into what I can only call premature expenditure. Its okay to hit the sauce on cruises, I think, but if you are twerking in a bikini by 3p, I dont think you are lasting past dusk. What do I know, though?

Either way. I went back to my stateroom to try and get some sleep. The idea was to start working in earnest at 10p and then work overnight until 8a. I set my alarm for 8p. That way I could get something to eat before going to work. I fell aslee for a moment until the people above me entered their room and started dropping bowling balls on the floor. Then I couldnt sleep anymore. I kept trying though. I got lucky and had a few more zsss and right as I was falling asleep there was a knock on my door and another one of the phony captains was asking me if I needed anything. I did, sleep, but she couldnt give it to me, she instead gave me the exact opposite.

So here I stand, its 10a and I have just worked an overnight shift, we are docked at the Florida Keys, and I need to get some sleep before we do it all again in twelve hours. I am drinking a $13 Titos vodka and iced tea having no way to beat the system and kind of laughing to myself that this is the true way to learn how to write as dry as a bone, make it too expensive. I am so very cheap! So cheap. My father would be proud of how cheap I have become.

Chips Ahoy, bitches!