[3] Roach Town

[3]

Union Dan and Gary Alone told their story to Gagger while Zone listened. Zone and Gagger thanked them. Zone walked Gagger over to the body. To have another look-see. Gagger saw what Zone saw. Gagger lit a smoke. Handed it to Zone. Lit one for himself. He said:

"Watch you cookin', good lookin'?" Zone kind of stared off into space. Just a little. He wasn't cookin' anything. He had no idea what to make of it. And it only barely interested him. The murder, that is. What really was interesting, to Zone, was why the two boobs were lying to them. He marbled:

"Well, those boobs are lying, I know that."

"Really, I thought they were quite sincere?"

"Oh, they are sincere enough, what they say happened, happened, but what they didn't say, that's was sticks sideways in my hot dog tube. How come they could understand me when they called the Park House? Do you think I sound different on the phone?"

"No, sir, you don't. I would dare to say you sound much worse."

"Exactly." Zone started walking back to Bonny's car. Gagger followed him. Bonny was sitting in the driver's seat as embarrassed as anyone could be. She looked like shame rolled into a pancake of regret. Plus a bad haircut. Zone got in the passenger seat. Gagger said:

"Where are we going?" Zone looked over at the two boobs, Union Dan and Gary Alone. Watching what they were doing. They had their eyes on the car. He could see them talking to each other. But they were not moving their lips. Something was fishy about those two. Zone knew it, he just didn't know what. He said:

"It's dinner time." Gagger got in the back. He was too big for the back seat so he had to sit at an angle. His hand felt something wet. He pulled out Bonny's panties from the crack in the seat. He held them up to have a look-see. He smiled. He looked in the rearview mirror. Bonny was staring at him with a look of horror. Gagger put the panties in his pocket. Bonny turned the car on and turned around. Union Dan came running up to the car. Gary Alone was walking their way. Why he didn't run also was unclear. Union Dan said:

"Wait! Where are you going? You can't leave us her with that, with her!"

"Watch us." Zone said. He looked at Gagger with fake confusion. Gagger said:

"The jig is up, man." Union Dan said:

"What jig? Why are you leaving?" Zone marbled, this time with a very distorted marbling:

"Guess you better call, Bondo." Union Dan clearly understood Zone. He said:

"Bondo? But he won't answer his phone!" Zone said:

"Well, I guess you are having a sleep over then." Union Dan said:

"Hey man! That's illegal! You can't abandon a crime scene, I know my rights!"

"Watch me. Bonny, if you could be so kind." She started driving. Gary Alone finally caught up. Zone could hear him ask:

"Where are they going?" Union Dan yelled:

"To jail if I have my way!"

The drive back to Park House was less exciting and gross than the drive to the green house. Mostly because Gagger and Bonny weren't getting it on in the back seat. Bonny was very silent. But Zone could tell she was also thinking. Not just ashamed. He spoke for her:

"It's going to be fine. They will stay there. Watching the body. Making sure nothing happens. I am sure they will try to reach Bondo. Either way, I need to use the phone and there is nothing to do there. I mean, I think that by law they were just deputized. Either that, or there is something about corpse abandonment doctrines that means they have powers of estate or something. That is, if they own that land. Either of them. I mean, if we had some caution tape we could have put it up, but then what? Are you going to stay there until the State police show up? I sure as hell aint. Gagger might. I mean, if you did. If you catch my meaning?" Bonny went as red as an apple wearing lipstick. Zone was thinking he would put shades on her face was so bright. "Not only that, but isn't it about dinner time? What's on the docket tonight? Please say meat loaf." Bonny scrunched her eyes. She said:

"How did you know?" Zone tapped his head. He said:

"Remember, I am a detective." Then he smiled. It was true he was a detective, but is was also true he was a jerk. He had seen the dinner earlier when Bonny was getting something out of the fridge in the Park House kitchen. But instead of saying that, he did the most annoying thing he could think of. It really was no wonder he only had one friend. Well, one and a half friends if you count Captain Nylon. Who was only his friend when he wasn't his actual nemesis. Like now. Sending him up to Vermont to take the cure. You could argue a good friend would do that for him, but Nylon didn't work that way. He was pissed and for good reason. He could give two shits about whether or not Zone and Gagger took the cure. If they died from liver failure in a month he would be relieved. Although, he would want them to solve the crimes they were working on first. And then die. But as far as being a benevolent force in Zone's life, Captain Nylon was not that at all. The closest he ever got was when he signed the paychecks.

----------------

Bonny parked the car in front of Park House Retirement Home. She got out and ran inside. Zone and Gagger stood there for a moment. Zone tried to not sigh, but he sighed. He said:

"Dude, I love you, you know that, b---" Gagger cut him off:

"I know, I know! It won't get weird, I swear! You saw Bonny, she is freaked out. This will never come up, ever again. We are just two professionals that had a little, how do you say, brief agreement about what to do with a couple of things regarding our personal anatomies. It's cool, man, real cool, even righteous." Zone begged to differ. Yet he kept it to himself. Gagger thanked him for that. Not by saying anything, but by deciding not to call him Roach Boy anymore. They walked inside. Zone went into the kitchen to make some phone calls. Gagger went into the sitting room to hang out with the grandmas. He sat down in a cushioned rocking chair and said:

"Now, Ladies, where were we? Laureen, you were saying your grandson just started T-ball?"

"Oh, yes. And he is good. My son said he hit the ball every time he went up to bat. The boy takes after his father. Shawn was so good at sports at that age. Too bad he married that hussy of a wife of his. He could have gone on to do great things." Gagger was taken aback. He said:

"Go on." A different grandma interjected:

"Oh, don't get her started Mr Gagger, she will go on all night. Am I right, ladies?" Laureen took offense to this. She scolded the grandma that had introduced herself as Miss Cookies. She said:

"Oh, what the hell do you know? Your son lives over Boston and you see him only once a year. And you have to go visit him. The lazy bum." The grandma who called herself Granny Jane said:

"Knock it off you two! We have company, that is no way to act." Miss Cookies said:

When I was a school teacher..." She was interrupted by the woman who introduced herself as Mrs Lassider. She said:

"Drop it with the school teacher routine, Mrs Cookies. Nobody is buying it. If you tell us one more story about how you solved some argument by getting the kids to communicate, I might just puke." After this the room went silent. All the grandmas rocked in their chairs. Some of them were reading. Some of them were stiching. Some were just staring off into space. Gagger was transfixed. He sat there with them in silence. There was six grandmas in total. He had the feel for three of them by now. Miss Cookies, Mrs Lassider, and Laureen. The other three didn't seem to want to have anything to do with the drama, but they had introduced themselves earlier. There was Lori, or as her friends called her, Diamond Mary, because she was good at pinochle. There was Dorothy. Who did not elaborate. And Helen. Who had grown up in New Hampshire but ended up in Vermont because of her husband. Who was long dead now. A thing the Zone and Gagger both thought didn't worry her too much. She was not grieving as it were. Mostly because after she told her story and got to point when she mentioned Dick had died, she followed it with "Thank god." It was a wild group of grandmas. Gagger wanted to get to know them better. After the moment of silence the room became neutral again. Gagger rocked back and forth in his cushioned rocking chair. Then he said:

"Okay. I got a game. Who's down?" Diamond Mary asked:

"Pinochle?" She was excited. Gagger said:

"Next time, Lori, I was more thinking about a game to get to know each other. Like a guessing game. How about this? Tell me two words that define you, and I can guess your life. What do you say?" Diamond Mary said:

"Pinochle would be better." Gagger said:

"Okay, you start then. Two words. And pinochle can't be one of them." Diamond Mary thought about it. She said:

"Okay, no pinochle. Hmmm. Vassar and, lets see, 1969, no wait, 1970." Gagger said:

"Oooh. A love child. You got boned, at Vassar, in the 69 position." All the grandmas laughed. "You dirty dog, now hold on, let me do some thinking. After you did your dirty deed at Vassar you moved West for a while. Tried to make it in LA, but you realized that you didn't actually care for the scene, so you moved to NYC, but that didn't work out either. You went on a road trip with a friend and met a cool, hip, hitch hiker named Mike that changed your world. The relationship didn't work out, but he introduced you to the father of your children, you spent most of your life working for charities, settling down in Vermont when your children left for college and now you are here, busting my balls. Am I right?" The room clapped. He was not right. Not at all. But they enjoyed Gagger's enthusiasm. They hadn't been this stimulated in months. Diamond Mary said:

"Dead wrong, although I did do a 69 in college. Let me say, don't do a 69 with the big ones, unless you want to choke to death." The grandmas all laughed about this. "I did move to California, but not LA, I lived in Puerto Penasco getting a Masters at the technical college, for chemistry. I then moved to Chicago and lived there raising my children. They went off to college. Then, you are right, I did move here with my now deceased husband, but I am not busting your balls." The grandmas were now worn out. Gagger tried to do another one, by saying:

"Okay, whose next?" He looked around. Miss Cookies said:

"Where is dinner? I thought we are having meatloaf?"

"Bonny is late again, typical." Loreen said.

"I don't know why they don't hire more help. What ever happened to the Oriental guy?" Helen said. "He was good at making that fried rice. I liked that fried rice." Dorothy, who Gagger was now realizing he should have engaged her during the questions game, because he knew nothing about her. Although, in hind-site, he didn't know the game would fizzle out after one round. But still. Dorothy said:

"I heard he stole something." There was an audible gasp. "They won't tell us about it though, it is a big cover-up." Miss Cookie said:

"I heard that too. The cops never came because he left in the night. My guess is that Bonny knows and isn't telling us. Mr Gagger, you need to remember to lock your doors at night. This town is filled with them." Gagger asked:

"Orientals?" Miss Cookie said:

"No, thieves. The sneak in in the middle of the night and get your face cream, remember that Judy? When I woke up missing the cold cream?" Gagger didn't know who Judy was. He was suddenly out of his element. These grandmas had a secret language he couldn't decipher. He wondered where Zone was. At the same time he was wondering where Zone was, Bonny came into the sitting room and said:

"Dinner is ready." The grandmas said in unison:

"About time." They all struggled to get out of their cushioned rocking chairs. Gagger wanted to help them all, but he couldn't there was just too many grandmas. He went around trying, but they waved him off. Saying stuff like:

"Unhand me, you brute! I bruise easy." Gagger ended up standing in the middle of the room like a giant compared to these tiny grandmas. He watched them struggle and slowly move to the dinning room. There was an amazing amount of farts he heard. Then smelled. He had to stand in the smelling room and wait for the grandmas to grumble their way into the dining room. When the room was finally cleared out he went into the kitchen. Zone was still on the phone. He sounded like he was finishing the conversation. He said:

"I mean, I will be here, but don't be afraid to ask someone else first. [pause] I have no jurisdiction, you know that right? [pause] Not my problem. [pause] Call him all you want, it won't change a thing. [pause] Yeah, same to ya." He hung up the phone. He looked exhausted. Gagger followed him outside. He lit a smoke and handed it to Zone. Lit one for himself. Zone said:

"Fucking bone-brains. They knew this whole time that nobody was showing up, yet they did nothing, now they are trying to blame me for it. What the fuck do I know? I can't even remember the road the thing happened on. Do you remember, Gag?"

"Fiske?"

"No, that was the road we turned on. No, maybe you are right, I think maybe Bethel was the road. Can you see?" Gagger looked across the town square. He said:

"I don't see nothing."

"Whatever, they said they will be here at some point. I didn't bother telling them where to find me, but I am sure the boobs will let them know, they knew Bonny, even lying idiots like them would be able to piece that shit together. How are the grandmas?" Gagger smiled. He said:

"A zesty lot, to say the least. Bonny is serving up a meatloaf. That seems to put some wind in their sails."

"Yeah, ugh, I don't know, man, this cure is already giving me the one-two. I could use a drink."

"Let's have dinner and then we can deal. You got to meet these monsters, they are a rough lot."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you'll see." Zone threw his smoke onto the grass. He said:

"I am piqued, man, let's do it."

---------------

Detective Zone and Detective Gagger walked into the dining room. The grandmas were basically a wolf pack gathering meat loaf and iceberg lettuce salad. Warmed garlic bread. They were single-minded. They didn't notice that Zone and Gagger had sat down at the table. Someone said:

"Why does it smell like cigarettes and buttholes in here? Is there a fire?" Bonny said:

"Now Mrs Lassider, that is no way to talk at the dinner table." Mrs Lassider said:

"I can smell what I smell, how is that a capital crime? Where are the potatoes?" Bonny said:

"I am working on it." Mrs Lassider said:

"You say that now." Bonny looked at Zone and Gagger in a way that said "You see what I have to deal with?" But then she went red. Remembering the thing in the car. She walked past them and into the kitchen. Zone and Gagger were close to the door. At the end of the table. Somebody yelled:

"Close the door! That breeze will kill us all." Zone got up and shut the door. Someone yelled:

"Can't sombody open a door? It is stuffy in here!" Zone got up and opened the door. Someone yelled:

"Quit blowing on my meatloaf! It is cold enough already." Zone got up and put the door exactly in the middle of where it was swinging. Nobody else complained.

Dinner was a very long affair. Not because it was a thing, more like, it was just slow eating. The grandmas ate like birds. Even if they attacked the food like jackals. Zone and Gagger were done in minutes. They sat there watching. Thinking the conversation would happen. Nobody said anything. All the grandmas just deliberately ate their food. Slowly. And then, without ceremony, they got up from the table and walked out of the room. Going upstairs. To do whatever. Read books or knit or sew or whatever else it is that grandmas do before going to bed. Zone and Gagger and Bonny stuck around until all the grandmas were gone. The two detectives help Bonny clean up. Then they decided to go out to the bar. There was still time. The Park House wouldn't lock the doors until 9pm. Zone made sure of this. He said:

"Are you sure we can get back in by nine, Bonny?"

"Just be here by nine. I won't lock you out."

"And you say you live in what room?" Gagger was trying to get some information. Bonny really didn't want to tell him in front of Zone, but she said:

"It will be obvious." Zone sighed. He didn't care that they were boning, or would continue to bone, he was kind of glad, the idea of having the room to himself seemed nice, but the way they were trying to hide it, and the fall-out from it was not good. Zone said:

"Just fucking tell him, you idiot." Bonny said:

"Next to yours. My room is next to yours." Zone marbled:

"Thanks."

Zone and Gagger walked out the door. It was still light outside, but the sun was going down. Gagger lit a smoke and handed it to Zone. He lit one himself. They walked across the town square. Smoking. Gagger said:

"You think they will come tonight?"

"They have to."

"And then what?"

"I am hoping Bonny comes and finds us at the bar. Otherwise they find us at the retirement home, and that would be very annoying."

"Because you will have to take your bed clothes off and get dressed again?"

"No, because fuck those dicks, but yes, and not only that but you will be like some Western movie coming out of Bonny's room with your dick a full-mast, and I don't have the stomach for that."

"Nor the mouth, nor the throat."

"That reminds me, did I tell you about the mosquito I killed the other day?"

Gagger enjoyed the joke. He was quite fond of those kinds of jokes. He was looking forward to going to the bar. At the same time he could tell that Zone was distracted. Even if he wasn't saying it, the woman in the green house was heavy in his thoughts. Gagger knew that Zone was thinking things. For all he knew he had already solved the crime. But he wasn't letting on. Gagger stayed silent. He knew Zone. He would let him work it out. There was nothing to worry about. The early evening was nice. The town was quiet. When they walked into the bar there was only a couple people there. Sitting on stools. The detectives knew there was seating outside, because they saw a fire burning when they walked up. They didn't go into the back though. They sat down at the bar. Gagger ordered two shots of whiskey and two pilsners. They both looked around. Wondering who was holding drugs. When they received the drinks. They knew it was the bartender.