[7] Roach Town
[7]
There were three cruisers in total. Three pine green cruisers. Neither cars nor trucks, but something in-between. Almost a sport utility vehicle, but not quite that either. They must have been the perfect vehicle for the Vermont State Police, or why would they drive them? Zone kind of half-thought. He didn't really think it, he just kind of processed it. The flashing lights were obnoxious and both Zone and Gagger wished they would turn them off. They didn't, but they weren't blaring the sirens, so that was something. Six officers got out of the cruisers. All wearing their dumb looking cowboy hats with the dimples. It was times like this that Zone hated cops. Even if he was one himself. The posturing, the machismo, the fascist nature of it all. The intimidation. Zone felt like he was about to be thrown against one of the cruisers and stripped searched, or even just beaten down with a Billy club. Both he and Gagger had neither a gun, nor a badge. Which complicated things. Although, in the back of Zone's mind he was hoping the cops would tell them to get lost and to stop interfering in an investigation. That would be fine by him, meaning Zone. He could go back to the bar and get drunk with Siobhan and maybe motor-boat her ample tits in the alley out back. He laughed to himself about the thought. Especially the fact that once she was out of immediate vicinity she wasn't as intimidating and as obnoxious as she was in person. The thought of Siobhan was quite pleasant, charming even, but being in her presence was another thing entirely. The cops were all faceless square jaws and no nonsense. Looking exactly alike, aside from the one that had a pony tail. And that was because she was female. Zone made a face about that. Gagger had a thing for chick cops. And this chick cop was quite handsome. Zone was not looking forward to what that meant. The leader of the group, or so Zone assumed walked up to him. Zone must have still been kind of laughing about Siobhan because the guy said:
"Something funny there, funny bones?" Zone was confused. So confused, in fact, that he clenched his hand into fists and backed up a little. The cop kept getting closer. Zone marbled:
"Huh?" The cop got right in his face. Zone could smell Old Spice and cinnamon. The cop was chewing on a toothpick. Where the hell did they get these guys? Was there a School for Assholes somewhere in America that trained these pricks in how to become a walking, un-creative cliché of brutality? Zone knew the answer. The answer was yes. And it was the Police Academy. But still, it struck him odd every time. Odd and annoying. Annoying as a shit that doesn't come out all the way. The kind of shit you wait patiently on the toilet for, begging your ass to keep working on it. But when it doesn't break loose, you have to somehow break it loose with a huge hunk of toilet paper and spend an hour cleaning your dirty ass-crack. And after that, you day is basically ruined. You will be constantly reminded of the failed turd. Forcing you to take a shower when you get home. Or doing your best to ignore it. Hoping you don't ruin your sheets that night in your sleep. The cop tongued his cinnamon toothpick like some movie star begging for an award. He said it again:
"You got something funny there, funny bones? You been drinking, I see, I have half the mind to take you in for public intox." Zone stood there staring in the cops eyes. He was terrified of Zone for some reason. Zone wanted to punch his smug idiot face. Gagger intervened. Good ol' Gagger, with his velvet tongue. He said:
"Stop being so negative, man." The coward cop immediately was up in Gagger's face. But Gagger was about three inches taller than him, so he was staring up his nostrils. The five other cops put their hands on their gun butts. Zone got pissed and held his hands up in the air. He yelled:
"What the fuck, man! Knock it off! We're on the same side here! Gagger, step back." Gagger put his hands up too. He slowly moved back. Zone followed his lead. When they were a safe distance away the coward cop relaxed a little. Zone could see he had a tiny little chubby poking out of his riding pants. And it was hysterically tiny. That tent of his. Zone kind of felt bad for him. Not really, but in the scheme of things, he did. Zone wasn't a monster. He was capable of empathy, even if it was for a coward like this. With his tiny little hard-on and his over-compensating toothpick. Zone almost laughed at thought. That the way this guy over-compensated for his tiny ding-dong was with a toothpick. An insult to an injury, as it were. But he caught himself. He remained grim. He tried not to marble the next words coming out of his mouth, but they marbled just the same. He said:
"I am Detective Zone of the NYPD, this is Detective Gagger of the NYPD, we don't have badges, so you will have to take our word for it. I have a license you can check. It is in my wallet. In my right front pocket. Gagger, do you have ID?" One of the other cops came over and took Zone's wallet out of his pocket. Opened it. Took the ID. Put the wallet back. Thank god! Zone thought. Had he taken the wallet itself, it would not have been good. Aside from the Orange Sunshine in there, he really had no clue what else he had hidden in that thing. Which made him think "I need to check that. I may have some other good things in there." Gagger said:
"Yeah, I got ID. One of my front pockets." Gagger didn't have a wallet. And the chick cop was the one that decided to check his pants. Zone nearly endangered his life to stop this from happening. He was about to jump over there and stop her from rooting around down below. Because it was not a good thing to happen. But he restrained himself. Zone watched as the chick cop felt around. The face she made when she found both his cock and his ID. Gagger smirked. The chick cop blushed. And like that, fucking hell. The man really was a menace to Society. She turned around. Lucky for her it was dark outside, otherwise the other cops would have seen what Zone saw. Which was a woman with designs. The two detectives stood there. Hands above their heads. The other cops standing there with their hands on their gun butts. The coward cop chewing his toothpick. Had he known what the chick cop knew, he would have beaten Gagger to within an inch of his life. But he was too cowardly, too insecure, to idiotic to be observant of the facts in front of him, so luckily nothing transpired. But for a brief second there, Zone was actually terrified for poor Gagger and his persuasive loins.
It took a little while before the background check came back. Zone's arms got tired. He put his hands on his head. Gagger did the same. This theater was bullshit. Zone was cursing Captain Nylon as they stood there. That asshole, he didn't have to take their badges. Their guns, sure. Appearances are appearances, but the badges was a little too much. He decided he would have a little talk with the Captain about this when they got back from taking the cure, because Zone and Gagger were in actual danger at the moment, and for no other reason than politics. Zone added this thought to a long list of shit he would probably forget about by tomorrow, that would surely come up again the next time that Zone and Gagger had to take the cure, somewhere else in the country. However, at this point, Zone was thinking that the next time they got into trouble the Police Union would send them to Europe instead. Out of the country entirely. Judging by how this was already going, in it's nascent stages, it may become policy. Because, even though Zone may forget to tell Captain Nylon about the badges, what was happening right now would have ripple effects across the entirety of the American police force. There was no reason the Vermont State Police should be treating other officers of the law in this way. Zone even said as much, he said:
"Just so you know, this is not a good look for you guys." The toothpick coward said:
"You better keep your mouth shut before I shut it for you." Zone kept his mouth shut. But he was glad he said it because right after that the chick cop said:
"Um, at ease. Uh, Captain, one second?" The other cops put took their hands off of their gun butts. The chick cop and the toothpick coward walked off. Away from ear shot. One of the other cops handed the two detectives their IDs back. Zone put his back in his wallet. Gagger put his back in his pocket. They stood there waiting. The toothpick coward came back. His head hanging low. He was followed by the chick cop. Who was shaking her head. The toothpick coward walked up to Zone and said:
"Hey man, my bad, I am Captain Sergeant from the BPD over there in Burlington, I want to extend my apologies. We really did mis-read the situation. I hope you can forgive them." He was holding out his hand. Zone, being the asshole that he was, holding a deck of aces said:
"We? What do you have a turd in your pocket? Are you not the Captain of these officers? And now you are blaming them for your bullshit?" Zone didn't shake his hand. The toothpick coward went bright red. He was about to punch Zone in the face. An officer that looked almost exactly like him grabbed Captain Sergeant by the shoulders and walked him behind the police cruisers to blow off some steam. Zone then addressed the other four cops. He marbled:
"Turn those fucking lights off. They are giving me a headache." It wasn't true. Zone had a headache because he was sobering up. The Orange Sunshine was getting more intense. He was starting to hyper-focus on things. Like tiny details. Like how even though they all wore the same uniform, they all had slightly different colored pants. Was that because they washed them at different times? Did they come that way? Different from the beginning. Or was it on purpose, like a subtle thing about who had seniority. He didn't know. He kind of wanted to ask, but he got side-tracked when he noticed the chick cop flirting with Gagger. Zone had to say something to make it stop. He said:
"Are all of you from Burlington?" This made the chick cop back up. She said:
"I am from Bristol." Another one said:
"East Middlebury." Another one said:
"Burlington South." The last one said:
"Burlington Central." Zone said:
"I have no idea what that means. What took you so long?" The one from Burlington Central said:
"It's Vermont, sir. Nothing is closer than an hour at least." Zone thought about this. He said:
"But it's been hours." The BC cop said:
"Yeah, true, but we had to gather this crew. Things take time around here. The crime scene isn't going nowhere, sir." Zone didn't actually care. He was glad that the toothpick coward was crying tears of anger. It was true that the crime scene wasn't going nowhere. He had a thought about Gary Alone and Union Dan sitting up there at the green house with a dead body. He wondered how drunk they would be. His guess was; very drunk. Zone stopped berating the poor cop from Central Burlington. Not that he felt bad for him, but because he lost interest in giving people shit. Eventually the toothpick coward came back and said:
"You know you have no jurisdiction here." Zone thought about this and decided it was true. He said:
"Yeah, and? It's your rodeo, Hoss." This upset the coward for some reason. He said:
"Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but that doesn't mean you can treat me like a kid, you know? I am a Captain, that means something around here. Maybe back down in the City it doesn't, but up here we follow protocol." Zone didn't follow the Captain down into his freak-out. He knew there was no point. He knew that he would be fighting with this guy the whole time they spent together. He tried to be diplomatic about it. He said:
"Hey, man, this is all you. I just happened to be here when the shit hit the fan is all. Tell me what to do, and I'll do it." This just made the toothpick coward more angry. He said:
"Alright! Load up! Lindsay, you and Vail take the city slickers, we'll follow you up." Lindsay and Vail both said:
"Yes, sir!" They opened doors for Zone and Gagger. They got in the back of the weird cruisers. Not trucks, nor cars. The back seat was the same as the NYPD cruiser. Plastic. Zone and Gagger got in. Lindsay got into the driver's seat. Vail the passenger seat. He slid the plastic bulletproof partition to the side. He said:
"Lead the way." Zone led the way. Up and around the town square. Up Bethel Mountain road just a bit. A left up Brook Street. Another left on Chickadee Road. And then they came to the end. Where the green house was. Officer Lindsay pointed the cruiser at the green house. The cruisers behind her did the same. They also, all of them, turned on their search lights. In the end the green house was lit up like a Cathedral at Easter. Weird colors shooting into the trees. Because of the glass of the green house. There were three guys standing up from leaning against a large Maple tree. There was an empty bottle of booze that tipped over when they stood up. Zone could see it was Union Dan and Gary Alone. The third guy was probably Bondo. The constable. He wasn't sure, of course, but that was the most likely person it would be. The cruisers were left on. Because of the lights. Both doors opened in the back of the cruiser that Zone and Gagger were in. Letting them out. All the other cops were already walking towards the green house. Union Dan and Gary Alone and probably Bondo were stumbling towards the cruisers. They were yelling:
"Here we are! We did a great job!" Union Dan broke from the group and slurred:
"Where is that asshole, the one from the City, I got some words for him." Officer Lindsay said:
"Step back, you three. Stay where you are." The voice of authority calmed them down. They stepped back a little and stumbled. The three of them were insanely drunk. They gave up looking for Zone. The words that Union Dan had for Zone would have to wait. They swayed in place for a second, then all three of them sat down on the ground. They were too drunk to even stand up anymore. Zone walked over to them and said:
"Nothing personal, man. You guys alright?" Union Dan tried to muster a witty comeback, but it came out like a wet worm crawling out of a bait can. He slurred:
"You think you are better than me. Go back to...you know what I mean...if I wasn't so, you know what I think, I, hey come on guys, stand up! This grass, and also..." Zone had a sudden burst of empathy for these guys. They were so drunk that they might be in trouble. He watched them all fall asleep. Right there on the grass. Wondering if he should do something about it. But once they started snoring, he left them alone. They would sleep it off. Zone made a mental note to make sure that nobody ran them over when they left. He looked up. Gagger was slowly walking towards the green house. Talking to Officer Lindsay. Fucking hell, he thought. He ran to catch up, but by the time he got to them they were already at the green house. Looking down at the dead body. The dried blood under her nose. Her body was already starting to bloat. It had been hot all day. Her youthful looks were gone now. Not only that, but she had been inside a green house. Her body was starting to stink. The toothpick coward said:
"We should have brought a coroner." Zone shook his head. He said:
"No shit, Sherlock." The toothpick coward turned around and took a swing at Zone. Zone ducked. A cop clone grabbed the Captain from behind and prevented him from attacking Zone. The Captain screamed:
"What the fuck, man! If you are so smart, why not do this all yourself?" Zone marbled:
"It's not my jurisdiction, mother fucker." Gagger got involved. He said:
"Zone! Knock it off!" Zone knocked it off, but he didn't let it go. He marbled:
"Look, I don't know where you come from, but a dead body is pretty fucking simple, man. Don't blame me because you don't know shit. You got a body bag in those million dollar cars of yours? Or do you think we should just roll her up in this burlap roll right here? You knew for hours what the fuck you were dealing with, and now it's my fault? Go back to the academy, you prick." The toothpick coward once again had to be taken away to calm down. He was either really bad at his job, or he was some cartoon that couldn't restrain his emotions. Zone kind of thought he would be more effective if he took his gun out of it's holster and shot it at the ground. Like it would shoot him up in the air or something. Zone looked at the body. Bloated and no longer young. There was nothing new to garner, and Bondo was drunk as a skunk, sleeping it off with the two boobs over in the grass by the cruisers. If there was going to be any motion forward they would have to talk to him. Zone stood there thinking. Looking around. Gagger and the chick cop slowly sneaking towards the woods. Zone shook his head. He said to Gagger:
"Just go. This is going to be a fucking nightmare." Gagger and the Officer Lindsay ran off to bone. The toothpick coward fumed off in the distance. The corpse laid there bloating. The three cops remaining looked like idiots who were waiting for instructions. Zone said to one of them, the one that looked the most like the Captain. He said:
"See if you can get someone down here to get the body. Also, take some pictures, if you can. And if you have a measuring tape, take note of where the body is. Okay?" They all said:
"Yes, sir!" Zone walked over to the three sleeping beauties in the grass by the cruisers. He laid down next to them and looked up at the stars. It was a clear night. He heard some birds in the trees. Then he remembered that they had had a bottle of booze. He stood up and went over to retrieve it. There was something left! He walked back. Laid down again. Stared at the stars. In the faint distance he heard a woman having a good time. A man yelling at his subordinate about how much of an asshole this city slicker was. He also heard and owl. Zone reached around in his pockets. He did have smokes. Even if he only smoked Gagger's smokes, Zone had some Top tobacco that he carried around, just in case. He leaned on his elbow and used the cruiser lights to make himself a pinner. He lit it. Took a drink from the bottle of booze. Coughed. Whatever it was, it was intense. He laid back down. Slowly smoking the pinner, listening to his surroundings. The sleep beauties were snoring like crazy. He didn't mind. He was more like them than he was like the cops. For a brief second, Zone found some peace.