[74] Screed City
[74]
12/02/2022. Sunday. Kitchen Microwave. Beaver Haus. Lower Granville, Vermont.
Christmas is finally over! I mean, there is one more present for G, but still. I declare a victory. Or loss. I mean, I don't know. There were quite a few good gifts and the thing lasted for eight days. I mean, I guess that is what I was asking for. I may take it back. Although, I will say, there was Christmas Eve with Paddington. Christmas Day with S and D. A bunch of days with nothing. Then New Years Day with G's entire family. And tonight, New Year's Day After with Scott, Grit and the Publisher. I mean, we did it! If somehow I could include my brothers and PegLeg it would work out just fine. I mean, there was shrimp and duck and steak and roast and potatoes and enough cake to strangle a horse. Salads galore. Wine flowing like waters. Ticklers. Crackers, a million cheeses. What else? Eggnog, cider, lemonade, chocolate. Asparagus, carrots, celery, quiches, dried meats, hot sauces, gravies, all sorts of breads. I mean, this list goes on and on. Very little yelling. Lots and lots of Covid. Driving, mailing, wrapping. I mean, a Christmas miracle, one of the avocados that I thought bit the dust is growing new shoots. The goats are still stupid idiots. I mean, one of those fuckers is going to meet it's end this weekend. I mean, the mice are back and they aren't chewing up what I am serving. I mean, I am thinking of doing a marshmallow trap tomorrow. Not tonight. I am done with domestic things. I mean, I am sure I would prefer a clean kitchen in the morning, but I would rather tickle the ivories. I mean, I need to take Junior Mint to JD tomorrow at 10:30a. To get inspected. I mean, I can deal with the kitchen after that. I need to do some other stuff too, so I will make a day of it. I mean, we are supposed to go get tested again tomorrow, but I don't see why at this point. I mean, it is a two hour drive to Bennington. Two hours back. I mean, I don't think we have it. I tested negative twice. PC tested negative once. We don't have symptoms. And, I mean, it looks like we are all going to get it this time around, so, I mean, unless we are in grave danger, which I don't think we are, I mean, there is no reason to use up four gallons of gas just to find out that we don't have the thing. I mean, G is supposed to come over on Tuesday, but they just had the virus, so, I mean, they are double vaxxed and had it. I mean, aside from getting the booster, I mean, they are super immune if I understand the science at the moment. And it isn't the do your research science, it is actual science.
Speaking of which. I have have some sad news. The Rick Roll is officially dead. NPR killed it. I mean, the last Screed City I wrote I included a link that was wrong. I didn't realize it was a PDF, so when I hyperlinked it it became meaningless. And as a special holiday treat I was going to do a fantastic Rick Roll. But because of the computer and time, you can't actually Rick Roll anyone without setting up a website of your own, like buy one, and somehow put a video on it on loop without just showing your cards. And I mean, that is whatever that is. I mean, if you have to work that hard in the first place I think the thing is stale already. As a joke, I mean. But then I heard something on NPR where they interviewed Rick Astley. And, my god! That guy is dry as a bone. And kind of sad. Sadly. I mean, the Rick Roll is a cultural gem. A phenom. I mean, hilarious to the core. But if NPR is doing a "Deep Dive." I mean, JOKE OVER. I am surprised it took so long. But still, I almost got there, right under the gun. But, I mean, you know how I feel about comedy, right? It does not age well. I mean, RIP Rick Roll. I mean, I am sure it will be all over the place even more than ever, but it will burn itself out just as fast. And it will follow the crying face emoji into the annuls of un-cool memes that the teenagers will now mock. I mean, the Rick Roll is officially ironic. I mean, keep that in mind when you are about to short-URL a youtube video that will probably just be an ad. Everyone will see it coming from a mile away. I mean, it will be Grandma-cute, but it won't be what it once was.
Fondue tonight. Cheese fondue. We were going to do a meat fondue as well, but everyone got all filled up. So we just ate cake instead. I made some bagels. First time in like six months. No, that is not right. September, October, November, December. Four months. But still. It was nice to get them going again. Halfway through I was in the mood to make Cubby Bubbys. But I didn't have the guts. I mean, the innards. The fillings. I mean, I have a shit-ton of mushrooms fillings, but I wanted to make Regulars. Maybe I will do that this week. I have a bunch of cabbage in the freezer as well as ground beef. Like tubes of the stuff. I just need some parchment paper and onions. I mean, I ran out of parchment paper! I couldn't believe it. But it happened. I mean, I don't even really know how to bake without the shit. Anymore. It was such a game changer. I might call into Milk Street and tell them about it. Like the kitchen hack thing. I mean, it changes everything. Baking-wise. It gives you so much freedom. Freedom from oil mostly, but freedom to make mistakes and to experiment without dire consequence. I mean, if I think about it, I should write that cook-book. The Parchment Papers. I would call it. Just a long meditation on making life easier in the kitchen. And it won't be "Hacks" it will be just useful information. I mean, I listen to these cooking shows or whatever, and as much as they pretend to have some sort of inside knowledge of cooking they are missing something that is very apparent to me. Which is simple. I mean, the one thing they never tell you is that you just have to do things over and over again. I mean, half the people that call in are just doing one thing that they have never done before and then they won't do again for like another year. And I think it is important to understand that cooking is mostly failing over and over until you get it right. OR, you just follow the fucking recipe. Which, I mean, if you are doing that, I mean, then the real problem isn't what your are doing wrong, it is what you are reading. And you can't solve a bad recipe by repeating it. You will always get the same results. I mean, twice now I have listened to this guy give shitty advice on how to make bagels. And he has no idea that he is wrong. Because he doesn't know how to make bagels. And it is insane that he just confidently gives shitty advice about something he is clueless about. I mean, it is straight White guy hubris. I mean, it is probably just straight guy hubris, I mean, adding the word "White" doesn't probably matter, however, I could easily assume it is mostly because the guy is White that he doesn't have to check himself. But still. I don't mean to make it a race issue, but it isn't not a race issue. I mean, he does have a very famous and super-syndicated radio program. There is absolutely nothing or nobody telling him he is a fool about some things. I mean, just sayin'. But don't listen to the Milk Street guy about bagels. He will lead you astray. I mean, you can trust him with about 85% of what he says, just not the bagels.
I mean, use plain water to boil the bagels. Adding things to the water just complicates things. And will actually ruin your doughs if you don't know what you are doing. Also, the bagels will float no matter what you do. Even if they sink in the beginning, they will float eventually. And an under-proofed dough is better than an over-proofed dough. I mean, unless you want flat-saggers. I mean, I don't know why I am rebutting a podcast in a diatribe newsletter, but still, I mean, maybe I should post my bagel recipe again. Or just write the fucking Consider the Cabbage Burger cookbook that I keep bragging about. I mean, I have learned a lot of things in the last couple years. And, the things I have learned are insanely simple. I mean, I still haven't perfected the flour tortilla recipe, but I am damn fucking close. You'll see!
I mean, it is funny that over time you get good at something without really doing anything aside from just doing it. And I find the Milk Street guy very charming and inciteful. I mean, that is exactly what he is doing. I mean, the guy is like 70 years old at this point. I mean, I love to watch the Test Kitchen shit he does. But it feels like music or writing. If you just keep doing it. Eventually you get good at it I suppose. I mean, if you want to. And there needs to be more of it out there. I mean, the real revolution in cooking these days isn't so much that we need to do all sorts of mix-up cross-cultural bullshit, it is that we need to undo the nearly a century of absolute bullshit that has driven the industry. I mean, cooking is actually very enjoyable. I mean, you know this, I know this, it is not like I am saying something wild right now. I mean, what I mean is, we have reached some sort of cross-over about cooking that quite excellent. And it took quite a few decades to get here, but, I mean, I think this whole "Kitchen Hacks" approach to how we do things is going to stabilize in a way that we don't need "Celebrity Chefs" to tell us about EVOO or whatever. I mean, I guess all I am saying is that there is about to be a revolution in cooking that is brought about by the Pandemic that will give rise to more and more annoying food porn, but also, this great thing that is the average person not being intimidated by the kitchen and you won't need some pretentious over-educated meat-head to tell you why your bagels aren't working out as well as they should be. I mean, I know, this is basically old news. Like early 2000's news. But, what I mean, is it is here, now. And as somebody that is capable of writing these books I should start writing them. ASAP.
I mean, I might just be talking to myself about this. But still. I am average enough, and poor enough that I think I can help some people out. And if I can just pull my shit together and finally start writing in the day time. I mean, that is my New Year's resolution. I mean, I know I said I didn't have any or that I had the same ones as last year, but this year I am going to do it. I swear! I will write in the day. The sober stuff. The cooking stuff. The editing and the learning how to navigate grammer stuff. I mean, I just have to! This is my year! 45 is the face year. They say. The bridesmaids. When you get the face that you deserve. I mean, I looked in the mirror the other day. My god! My jaw is like a shovel. I mean, I have been clenching that shit for like 30 years at this point. I mean, I bite my tongue sometimes when I sleep. I mean, just last night I had the worst annoying dreams about doing all the shit that I don't want to do. It was a miasma of lousy relationships in my life. That I need to come to terms with. But here I am. Turning 45, with a shovel for a jaw and broken lava eyes. I mean, I think it is time to pull my shit together. I mean, if I had spent 1/3rd of the time writing cookbooks instead of Screeds, I mean, I have like at least a million words just devoted to running my mouth off. I mean, I am not saying it wasn't worth my time. I mean, it changed the way I process information, but still. It is time. The time is now. And if I am not careful, I will end up with pyre of nonsense that maybe will be funny in a couple decades, but my god, how do you rectify that when you are older and finally become the thing you fear the most. I mean, I guess if I was to do it again, you save the Screeds for the later days. In the working days you write the cookbooks. I mean, I don't know what I mean, but you know what I am saying? I mean, I am going to have to work at a job I don't like until they bury me in the ground. And, let it be known that I want to be buried in a grave. None of that burning shit for me. I mean, I want a tombstone. Something for people to come piss on if they want to. Or light candles or whatever. But, I mean, as an artist, you only get so many productive years before the thing changes and you find yourself on repeat. And I think it is funny that I would spend the most productive years just screaming into a newsletter just because that is something to do. I mean, what I mean, is. What I mean is, the time to pull myself up by my bootstraps is now. Stop getting distracted with politics and Noir. Although, I won't lie, the last installment of Soft Elbows gave me great satisfaction. I mean, whatever. It was supposed to snow like buckets today. It did not. That is kind of how I feel about art. Some days you think it will snow so much that you can't do shit and you have to just sit around the house doing the things that you were planning to do even though you don't have to. I mean, I was in such a confused state today, meaning, I mean, I was so very much expecting a snowstorm that when I realized I didn't have any parchment paper I was frozen in my ability to go out and get some. Even though there was no reason I couldn't. I mean, I just couldn't change my thought process. I mean, on one hand, that is kind of cool. To be so set in some sort of way that you look out the window and see snow even when there isn't any snow. But on the other hand, you have to be able to go out and get the parchment paper. I mean, whatever. The idea of making art is both repugnant to the general idea of Society, but at the same time it is the most important thing you can do. I mean, maybe it is good to have the dilemma? I mean, also, I am at the point in my life, my career that there is absolutely nothing that will stop me from making art, so, I mean, I am not offering any helpful advice here. Aside from the fact that art is worth doing, so don't let your job or being tired get in the way of it. Even if it means you have to push through exhaustion to make it happen. I mean, I guess, even one Screed in the wind is worth two Snoozes in the Bush.
Anyway. Use clean water when you boil your bagels. Adding shit just complicates things. In fact is probably makes things worse. Also, use parchment paper, it is a game changer. And, fresh garlic is kind of a hoax. It is good for some things, but garlic powder does wonders. Not only that, but fresh garlic mostly comes from China. Which, I mean, whatever, I don't mean that in an anti-China way, but if you think you are doing anyone any favors by using fresh garlic, you are not. Organic, locally sourced garlic, yes, but supermarket garlic, I mean, you are basically just using Dollar Store Capitalism to make you feel like a chef. I mean, I am not anti-garlic, it has it's purpose. I mean, I can't make my black beans recipe without it, but still, there needs to be a cultural shift if we are going to move forward. And, I mean, I don't even know. But it is something to think about. That is all I am saying. When you see a sleeve of garlic for $1.50 there is a hidden price involved. I am not saying that granulated garlic has less of a hidden price, I am just saying that all garlic is suspect. I mean, spices in general are suspect. I mean, all produce is suspect. I mean, everything in the grocery is suspect. I mean, buy local. If you can. Know local. When you know it, please use it. Paying an extra 20 cents for milk is worth it. I mean, you can ignore the "Artisinal" shit. Local doesn't mean you should be ripped off. I mean, pay attention is all I am asking. Also, to go back to China. I mean, China is a huge country. The people are the people. They have a Capitalist Communism. The Government is not very good. Morally. I mean, I can't even start a sentence without making it political. But, I mean, I have no intention of disparaging the Chinese People. The Chinese Government, I have quite a few disparagements that I won't go into. I mean, I just want to make that clear. I mean, this is the nature of our world right now. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to associate me with the Orange Douche. Yet, here we are. I mean, all I am saying is this:
[insert Nino Article]