[80] Screed City

[80]

01/15/2022 Friday. Kitchen Microwave. Beaver Haus. Lower Granville, Vermont.

TGIF Vermont-style. Cold as the Dickens. Do you capitalize dickens? Their/Thier. I mean, it was -9F when I woke up. Barely broke 0F by noon. Then it warmed up a little. Now it is -3F. Which would be whatever, except I have about a million tiny holes in the house that need addressing. I insulated six of the windows with styrofoam. Then, out in the tertiary house, the haunted part, I shoved four rolls of insulation down the wall hole as well as a brick of the organic shit. Plugged any remaining holes with blankets and sheets I found out there, and still there is cool breezes coming in from somewhere. Which would be fine if I was a millionaire, but I am not. I mean, upstairs is nice and consistent, heat-wise. Down on the bottom I have to crank the heat until I can get it up to 64F and then I have to turn it off and let it drop back down. Otherwise it just gets colder and colder. Which would be fine, if I didn't mind hanging out in a house that is 62F. I mean, if the heating bill was like $20 dollars a month. But it is not. I get the worst of both worlds. High bills and low heat. I mean, once the Spring comes around I am going to insist that we tear down that wall in the tertiary, haunted part and insulate it correctly. This is bullshit. Why didn't they just do it right in the first place?

Mouse number three has bitten the dust. 58 in total. Sadly, or not really, but in the grand scheme of things, sadly, that mouse is the last of the family. My guess is that when the parents didn't come home he went out looking for them. I mean, he got it on two sides. Meaning, I don't think he was trying to eat anything, I think he just got caught in the traps. But we will see. If there are more turds in the morning I will be wrong. If I am right, I won't see another mouse, I mean, ever. The holes are all closed.

The Ides of Jan. I did Donkey #10 today. To go back to Vermont-style TGIF. I finished the Donkeys. Got them ready to ship. Called the Publisher. We talked about marketing et al. She said she needed some cat litter if I was going out. I said I was. I needed to mail the Donkeys, get some Ticklers. I said I could get some cat litter. As I was driving to deliver the Donkeys and get cat litter I decided to take Junior Mint in for a shower. I would drop off the Donkeys, buy some cat litter, some Ticklers and some wiping fluid. When I go to the post office they were closed. Which I assumed would be the case, but the lobby to the post office was also closed. So I had to put the Donkeys in the blue box outside. Which is okay, I guess, I would prefer that they went inside instead, but a little bit of cold won't hurt them. Then it occured to me that Monday is a holiday, so they are going to have to hang out in there until Tuesday. See you next Tuesday. I drove across the street to the gas station. Because it was bone cold. I left Junior Mint running. Went inside. They only had crap Ticklers, but I grabbed them anyway, they didn't have cat litter and the wiper fluid was $5 dollars for a gallon. I sighed and bought the Ticklers and the wiper fluid. The cashier said: "Stay warm." I said: "Right?" Then I went outside. Put the Ticklers in the back. Popped the hood. Poured the wiper fluid in. There was too much of it. I had to run the wipers with the sprayer to make room for the remaining quarter cup. In the end I was frozen solid because of it. My hands hurt. I got back inside Junior Mint and drove to Middlebury. I took the back roads. Went to the pharmacy. They had 2 for $5 dollars wiper fluid. I glared at the sign. Bought the cat litter. Paid in cash so I would have change for the car's shower. Drove out of town. Back towards East Middlebury. The car wash was closed. Because it was too cold, I assume. Then drove back home. Stopping at the Publisher's mailbox to deliver the cat litter. I mean, I guess I did all the things I mean to do? I mean, kind of? I got Ticklers. Crap Ticklers, but Ticklers nonetheless. I mailed the Donkeys, but to what end? I worry that they will just languish in that box for a long time. Before they hit the road. I did manage to refill my wiper fluid, but at what cost? And I wasn't able to wash the car. I mean, at least I didn't drive 30 miles to do this. Oh, right, I did. I mean, whatever. Vermont-living. I mean, if it wasn't so beautiful the rest of the year I would strangle someone. I mean, we really need to figure out how to have an apartment in the City during the worst of the Winter months. That, or decide we are going to live here full-time and buy our own house somehow. I mean, in Middlebury I did see a sign for gas that was $3.15. So, I mean, maybe the gas prices are starting to go down again enough to not feel totally broke about heating costs, but still, that is just a bandaid on the bigger wound. Which is Stony Mike and Kid Millionaire.

And poor Junior Mint. I mean, he is just sitting in all that salt, like the ghost of Jimmy Buffett's past. Hey, buddy, you want to know where that lost shaker of salt is? Check Junior Mint's chassis!

I was talking via electronic mail to Shane who is doing the Donkey book on tape. And there is a road in Middlebury called Lower Foote. I asked him if he had any family in Middlebury, because his last name is Foote. And that road is called Lower Foote. And he said:

"Lower Foote? It should be called Upper Hand!" And I laughed and laughed and laughed. That was nice.

The house is mayhem again. All it took was two days of Professor Curly to hit the skids. I mean, I tried to do some clean-up in the Garbage Room. Then the can smasher broke. So I spent a bunch of time fixing that. Then it got too cold, so I abandoned the idea. Then I went around finding air holes in the house. Meanwhile, six hours later, the place looks like a shanty because the only way to fix the leaks was to cram blue styrofoam into places. Like windows. Two windows downstairs. Four upstairs. But I think it was worth it. I also had to cordon off under the kitchen sink. Where a big blast of cold air was coming in. I mean, tomorrow I am going to go look outside. I really hope there aren't holes in the actual building, because, motherfucker! I mean, there is no heating in the kitchen, so that makes me feel a little bit better. But it sure is cold right now. For my footsies. But at least it is isolated.

I am not going to Portland tomorrow. Like I had planned. Brother Luke thinks it is a bad idea. Timing-wise. They are maybe going to close schools there. Because of Omicron. And having me clanking around, being large and noisy probably wouldn't help things. I agree with the logic. But his birthday is on Thursday.

Grit has a cross country ski race tomorrow. At Breadloaf. I will be there cheering her on. It is supposed to be a little warmer, but I will probably put the snow pants on that Guy sent me last year. Just in case. Maybe bring some hot cocoa. Shit! I meant to buy some peanut butter cups for Grit. I think I can do that on the way. Maybe, if Hubbard's is open. If not, I mean, I think there is other candies I can bring. I mean, you don't bring flowers to a cross country ski race, right? It isn't like a theater thing, right? I mean, she is nine. Maybe she would like some hot sauce? An ice cream sandwich?

I think we figured out how to promote Donkey. I am going to send out a post card that has a QR code on it. That way if people want to contribute they can. I mean, it is just the beginning of an idea. And also, I am going to send out an electronic mail to my list. See what that does. I mean, we crunched some numbers and the things are a little expensive to make. Sadly. I thought they were cheaper, but they are not. I mean, even if I discount my time making them, they still are costing around $3 dollars to make and send. Which, I mean, yikes. But still. It is worth it. And since we are about to be done with all the edits and the creation part of it, we can relax and just try and get more subscribers onto the list. Meaning, I can just do the printing on my own time, when convenient. I mean, there is no rush at this point is what I mean. I mean, there is a rush for the next four months, but once those go out, there won't be a rush. And all the new ones start from Donkey #1, there is no other involvement from anyone aside from me. If that makes sense.

I mean, I should also start working on the Donkey screenplay. I have started working on the music for the book on tape. I need to dust off the acoustic guitar. Maybe tomorrow, after the ski race. I am going to use the chord progression from Give Me One Reason by Tracy Chapman. Which features heavily in the piece. Combined with badlands guitar stylings that I have been playing since the 90's. It will be great. I mean, I look forward to it. I mean, I am kind of glad that I am not going to Portland next week because of this. It is the perfect timing. Between the weather and the time of year, I mean, I can maybe capture some of the pain and suffering that poor Donkey is going through. PLUS! I have Professor Curly's computer, the one with Garage Band on it. So I can use it to record. PLUS ALSO! I have the new wireless mics that the Publisher and Scott gave us for Christmas to use to do this. I mean, it is all winning!

I am in the process of filling out the forms for the radio. There isn't much to do about them, just details, but I still need to have a very codified idea when I send them off. I mean, I can't just say, "Hey! I like to rant, give me an hour every week!" I mean, from what I understand, that will actually work, but for my own sake, I think I would like to have my shit together before I just send out my notice. And, after reading the fine print, they will teach me how to use their equipment! I just need to show up with some songs and some script. An hour is a long fucking time to be on the radio. Even if nobody is listening. But they have a Sunday afternoon spot that would be perfect. Or, Saturday evening. Which, I could still do the Waitsfield Farmers Market and then just go to the studio on my way home. I mean, that might be ideal. I would be ripe for ranting at that point. Plus, I also have my into music, which I have added a little bit of something else to make it 15 seconds. I mean, it is time. I need to do this. There is no reason not to.

I have been studying up on grammer. Learning about commas and what-not. I mean, first, let me say that I decided to keep this rant machine going. Normally when I reach 100 installments of something I move onto something new. But NO, not this time. Call me crazy, but Screed City is here to stay. I mean, I have some original screeds from 2018 that I should bring back, just to show progress, but my point is, I will not be changing the name. Nor will I change the format. Nor will I change the numbering. I mean, I will just barrel through. That is all I am saying. But, with grammer. I am going to add a new segment called: Their/Thier. So, here we go. Sorry if the introduction is chunky, but I don't know what else to do.

Their/Thier-Grammer Lessens From The Outside:

Grammar is an assholes game. There is a tiny bit of logic combined with a shit-load of Society that just doesn't make sense to anyone that didn't spend years and years in school. I mean, no offense to people that went to school. Stayed in school. Have a good understanding of grammar. I mean, I don't. I hate it. If I had it my way, I would use commas like what they are supposed to be, pauses, in speech. But it doesn't work that way. For instance, you can use a comma iff, meaning, if and only if, which is math-talk, iff, you have a dependant clause tied to an independent clause, like:

Because I like butts, I find butts good looking. But you can't do this:

I find butts good looking, because I like butts. You have to write it like this:

I find butts good looking because I like butts.

Which is too confusing for me! I mean, I think I already got it wrong. I saw this thing today that said:

FANBOYS. You have to follow the FANBOYS method. For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. Meaning, whenever you see any of those words you have to have a comma after them. But, I mean, what?

I find butts good looking, so I like butts.

I mean, what is that? That changes things kind of drastically. I mean, it isn't like you can just change words, to make it right, but it is not like I can force my feelings of butts onto the dependent clause just because I want to. I need to use a different word first? Because the word BECAUSE is not the word SO? I mean, I like butts, therefore I find them good looking. I mean is that okay? Or is it, I like butts therefore I find them good looking? I don't know! I just don't know!

I like butts. Therefore I find them good looking.

I mean, I would never write that.

I like butts. I find them good looking. I would write this.

I find butts good looking. I like butts. I wouldn't write this.

Or, maybe I would. It doesn't matter. I just don't know. There is no memory thing I can do that makes what I am writing make sense. I mean, FANBOYS? I mean, sure, I can remember to put a comma before FOR, or whatever. I mean, AND is just a wild ride that is supposed to work when you want it to work. The Oxford Comma they call it. Meaning, pretentious drivel. I mean, I won't use it. I refuse. I mean, I have used it before, but I get annoyed when I do. I mean, I am an adult, I don't have to use it. It is useless and annoying. And, I mean, see! I would prefer a period at that point. But, whatever? Is that allowed? I mean, the period is acting like a comma, but what happens if I put a comma after the FANBOYS? Should it not be there?

But, whatever? Is that something that the English language won't tolerate? I mean, But, whatever.

I mean, I mean that pause. But, whatever. I don't mean, Butwhatever. And that would be nice if I could just say that. When I meant it. I mean, that would be a nice ol' fuck you to language. Like the Whatevs of the past. That doesn't seem to be around anymore. Whatevs. I mean, butwhatever, I mean, WHATEVS was pretty solid. It meant, "What the fuck ever you are talking about, you suck, but it seems like we still need to talk about this nonsense." I mean, am I right? I mean, I shouldn't have to write:

But. Whatever. I should be able to write:

But, whatever. Right?

But [pause] whatever.

I mean, I don't even know if I am wrong about this. That is how fucked up grammar is. And it is a very sad state of affairs if I am wrong or right, however you want to put it, but if everytime I write:

But, whatever. I have to write:

But [pause] whatever. Because the English language breaks down at a simple comma used inappropriately. I mean, FUCK THAT. A comma, [,] instead of [pause]? I mean, the whole point in grammar, as far as I know, is that they used to have to do shit, like type-setting and therefore they would have to put the things like question marks and commas inside things like quotation marks so they could print. "I like butts?" Not, "I like butts"? Even though that made more sense, and now that grammar has become this fucking nonsense monster I can't write:

But, whatever. I have to write:

But [pause] whatever. Because of somebodies idiot rules that don't make any sense? I mean, I feel like I can't even write:

But...whatever. Because then I have to capitalize "Whatever!" And not only that, but do I have to put a comma before:

Because then I have to capitalize, "Whatever!"

You see what I mean? The whole thing is chaos! I DON"T KNOW! I have no idea.

Butwhatever. Thus ends the first installment of Their/Thier. I really have no idea what is what when it comes to grammar. I will keep trying to make it right, but I don't see any way out of it anytime, any time? soon. Fucking English. I mean, but-whatever. See! Even that seems wrong. I mean, But comma whatever. A comma is a pause. Even if it is supposed to seperate a dependant clause from an independant one. A COMMA IS A PAUSE. You read it that way, why can't it just be that way? I, don't, know. I mean, that sucks. Visually, as a way to make a sentence, but still. I mean, I would never do that. I am not even sure I would use:

I. Don't. Know.

I mean, I would def modify every one of those clauses:

I, meaning me, don't, meaning, I mean, I really don't, know.

But then that last clause:

I really don't, know. That is illegal!

I really don't know. I really don't know. I really don't, know! Fuck you, English! You suck!

Butwhatever, I am going to make some chili and eat a Frito pie for din-din. I mean, the temp in here has stalled out at 63F. I don't get it. I don't know why the pipes aren't pumping heat like a teenage boy thinking about his homeroom teacher, butwhatever. I will turn the thermostat down when I go to bed. No reason to give myself anxiety about it all. Stay warm and hug your family. Love is the only thing that is real in this world. Love and grammar. And grammar was created by the devil.