[83] Screed City
[83]
01/20/2022 Thursday. Kitchen Microwave. Beaver Haus. Lower Granville, Vermont.
Well, Soft Elbows came to very inglorious and hilarious end. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I think it might some of my finest material. I mean, it starts nowhere, goes nowhere and has quite a few bumps along the way. I mean, at least it is normal length. 61,565 words. 16 days. Not a novella. Which I was kind of afraid of. I mean, I guess the thing is a little Metamorphosis meets Denis Johnson or something. I mean, Kafka Noir. Is that a thing. I mean, I would call Metamorphosis noir as is, but it is also science fiction too, I suppose. I mean, Cioce is a middleman, using dumb-asses to do his work for him. However, he gets into a little bit of trouble along the way. Cioce finds himself stuck to the wall of a skanky motel room in Lander, Wyoming wondering what the hell went wrong. And slowly things unfold around him that may or may not bring to light his predicament. With a cast of wild characters, from the greasy and unwashed Matron with her bologna sandwich track suit to the drunken Danny to the unknowable, but lazy and nefarious Sniffles, the book explores the frustration of modern life combined with the inability to make things better. Is Cioce just destined to dangle there forever? Or will Sniffles come back with JuJu Beans, the poor dog that got caught in the middle of all these shenanigans, and make things right? I guess you will have to read it and find out. Now available at whiskeytit.com.
Just joking. You can't get it there yet. You can read the entire manuscript here though. I mean, for another week or something. Then I am taking it down. I mean, read like the wind. Otherwise I am coming for your wallet in like a year or so.
I drove to Burlington today. To buy a hydrometer. Vermont-style. I won't lie, the experience was very pleasing. I mean, the drive was nice. The vistas were astounding. The lady at the brewery store was very helpful. I mean, I don't know why I am on this fermenting kick, but I will say, it is surprisingly easy. All of it. I mean, once you get past the idea that everything you make is going to kill you by eating it or drinking it, I mean, it won't. It just won't. I mean, humans have been doing this shit for like 60,000 years at this point. I mean, yeast, sugar, and water. Vegetables and water and salt. I mean, I understand that at the moment this is kind of a fad thing, or has been for about 30 years now, but I do, I really do, think a revolution is coming when it comes to home cooking and cook books and life in general. I mean, I declare the McDonald's era over. I mean, nobody wants to work there. The pay is shit. The job sucks. I mean, the 80's lost. I mean, they certainly left a huge skid mark on Society and the world as we know it, but if we can just correct enough now, I mean, maybe we all won't just burn in some forest fire or get swallowed up by the oceans or whatever. I mean, I don't mean to life shame people because this is not an everyday problem. The problem is corporations. Global corporations. But that is not what I am talking about. I mean, all I am saying is that you can make your own hot sauces, your own Ticklers with almost no trouble at all. You just need some time on your hands and access to a couple ingredients that, I mean, are not that esoteric, but don't readily find themselves in your local grocery stores. But that will change. And soon.
I mean, here is how it goes. I mix up some distilled water with some sugar. Add some yeast. And then in a week or two I will have some alcohol. Then, I think I add some flavors and bottle the shit. I mean, I need to figure out that next step, but if my vinegar things are any indication, I just need to cork the shit off and make bubbles. Then I got some primo homemade Ticklers. I mean, mostly the object is to get the sugar/water to make a 5% alcohol. Which shouldn't be too hard. I just need to get the sugar/water density to something like 7% potential alcohol and let the fermentation do the rest. If anything it will come out less, not more. I mean, I am not making vodka or something. Not even wine. WHINE :(
Anyway. The gal at the brewery store was very helpful. I will be going back soon. I am sure. I mean, I will probably need some bigger containers and better yeast and better sugars. But for now, I mean, I spent $18 dollars there. I mean, Vermont-style. Meaning, I drove two hours on very wet and salty roads. Up and down hills. A quarter tank of gas. And half a gallon of wiper fluid. Not to mention all the salt eating poor Junior Mints chassis. But still, it was worth it. I mean, I can make eight gallons of Ticklers if I play my cards right. And I think that is like two cases. Meaning, I will have saved $136 dollars. I mean, that is not true in any sort of way, but still, I mean, even if I break even I am saving money. I mean, just in sheer enjoyment of life alone. Plus I get to stick it to Big Tickler. What with their "Medley" bullshit. I mean, I understand that the market is nascent, but who the hell wants to drink a medley of berry? Or "Tropical?" I mean, yuck. Is all I can say to that.
Plus, PS, the Cubby Bubbys turned out great. Also, this song:
[insert First Aid or whatever they are called]