Taco Tuesday
It was Indiana that did it. A question so abstract and profound that it took over a century long and the highest court of the land to clarify the issue. Is a taco a sandwich? Well, the court said that yes, in fact, a taco was a sandwich, more specifically a burrito was a sandwich, but neither the burrito nor the taco had any real proof about the matter regardless of what the defense lawyers had presented as evidence. The thing that did have proof, however, the thing that could have saved quite a few people quite a lot of time and quite a lot of money had been sitting there the whole time, just waiting to be observed, the taco burger.
Now, you may be telling yourself, that, of course, a taco burger is a sandwich, because, naturally, a burger is a sandwich, regardless of what is on that burger, but if you the kind of person that can accept that taco burger is a sandwich, that doesnt mean you are the kind of person that believes a taco burger is a burger. What is a burger? You may ask yourself. I dont know what a burger is, but if you have the name burger in your burger it is probably a burger. However, if you put the name taco in your burger, does that mean your taco burger is a taco? By the same definition and logic of what a burger is, of course a taco burger is a taco, it has the name in the name, but if a taco is a sandwich and a burger is a sandwich then a taco burger is also a taco because by pure mathmatics, the square of any number, whether negative or positive is always positive. I learned that in middle school. I can show you a proof, but I dont need to, I can simply make this statement:
If there is math involved in your taco burger, you probably have a fundamental misunderstanding of what a taco burger is.
Maybe you dont follow the news? Maybe it is news to you that a court in Indiana decided that a burrito and a taco and by extension a taco burger has been declared a sandwich? Maybe this is trivial to you? Why would the highest court in the land declare a taco to be a sandwich? A burrito even? By extension a taco burger? I can give you two statements and a question that will answer that question:
1: A food court in a mall in Indiana was trying to stop a Mexican restaurant from opening.
2: According to the bylaws of the mall only foods that had "Chooseable Sandwich Ingredients," were allowed in said food courts.
3: What is the difference between a hoagie, a "Tex-Mex" hoagie and a burrito in Indiana?
But what does that have to do with a taco burger?! I hear you screaming from the rafters. Taco burgers dont have chooseable ingredients. All they are is a lightly steamed bun, a slathering of mild sauce on the top bun, a trowel of meat paste on the bottom bun, a three-finger pinch of shredded mild cheddar cheese, and a wad of iceberg lettuce. Squish the top bun onto the lower buns imperial delectations, wrap in a paper wrapper and sling the whole thing into a paper bag with some napkins and a side of super hot and so what? God didnt make angels in one go, it took time, hell, the Devil was an angel for a while, remember? Then he got kicked out of heaven because he questioned God, but the one thing the Devil did not question when God made it? You want to guess what it was? Ill give you a second........................................it was the taco burger. As Lucifer was thrown off the cloud he was standing on by God, as he was relegated to hell forever and ever, falling backwards, God looking down, smiting his insubordinate ass, the Devil did a chefs kiss with his fingers and yelled:
"You nailed it with the taco burger, dog!"
I am not saying that taco burgers are manna from heaven, because if they were, the Earth would live in peace, but if the problems of society could be codified into one truly unfortunate knuckling of misunderstanding, it would come right exactly down to this one. The one thing that changes everything. The one thing that puts everything into perspective and makes you realize how foolish you have been. And for so long. And for no reason at all. And as beautiful as the taco burger is, it gets none of the good press the burrito or the taco or the hamburger or cheeseburger does. If there was a logo for the taco burger it would be tragic in its verity:
Nobody likes the weirdo until everyone likes the weirdo.
But the taco burger is not the weirdo. The taco burger is the Swiss neutral, the "Cant we all just get along?" of the handheld delectable operations. It exists in a liminal space, understanding everything and judging nothing, a true Buddha of food things. In fact, when Lucifer was pushed back down to Earth, on his way to Hell, he and Siddhartha hung around next to a tree watching ants and eating taco burgers before the Devil stood up and said:
"Im out, dude. If I dont ditch, fuck-wad is gonna give you guys all sorts of shit, I can see him up there wagging his finger at me already."
"Pack it in, pack it out, bro." There was a pile of wadded-up papers next to Buddha, next to the tree. Ants crawling over them.
"What do you mean?"
"Your papers, man."
"Whats that? Oh, shit, gotta go. Love you, mean it!" And then poof, the Devil was gone.
I dont know if this is true. I dont know if the taco burger is what created Heaven and Hell and the Earth, but it is probably very likely. Some say the reason society suffers so much is because Buddha has been unable to transcend due to the fact that Lucifer left so many wadded up papers for him to clean up and now he is just cranky and exhausted. Some say God himself keeps throwing wadded up papers down from Heaven, like ironic manna. Either way, the mess in society is a result of laziness from above and a fundamental misunderstanding from below about what is keeping us together and what is pulling us apart. We all have way more in common than we think we do.
Whether a taco is a sandwich or whether a burrito is a sandwich is irrelevant. Everyone can agree that a hamburger and a cheeseburger are a sandwich. And because we can all agree on this one, intransient thing, we can all agree that Taco Tuesday belongs to all of us. And because the taco burger also belongs to all of us, and a taco burger is both a sandwich and a taco, the only real question about all things regarding society is this:
Is a taco burger a burrito?
What a ludicrous question. A question I will answer with another ludicrous question:
Who let the dogs out?
Whom? Whom?
You did it again, Mr. Joey- took the ridiculous and made it sublime. You da man🩵